Girlfriend

* No perfume allowed.  He doesn’t want his wife to smell you.

*  No hickeys, scratches, or fingernail marks.  (Not that I would do this anyway but let’s just make sure it’s understood.)

*  This relationship is on his terms.  He is hiding you from his wife, so you have to follow his rules.

*  No calling, texting, IM during hours in which he might be at home with his family.  It is hard to explain at times why the Blackberry keeps beeping.

*  If you are together in public, don’t act like you are any more than an acquaintance or business associate.  Don’t expect anything that resembles affection from him.  Even though you have done the most unimaginable things together in bed, don’t expect even a second glance if others are around.

* Never, ever, say anything bad about his wife.  Even when he confides in you the way he feels when she criticizes him, the way their marriage has become more like a business, the way she shuns him when he approaches her for sex, you are not allowed to make any comments.  Just listen.

*  Be sexy all the time.  Exaggerate every move you make in bed.  Act like a porn star.

*Most importantly –   don’t fall in love with him.  You know – he has a family and no matter how hard it gets at home, he’s not leaving.

But, I did fall in love.  I didn’t plan on it.  It just happened.  I’ve followed all the rules.  And I never, ever, wanted to fall in love.  Especially with a married man.  But, he said it first.  Said he was falling in love with me.  Remembers the look in my eyes when he told me.

How could I not fall in love with the first straight man I’ve ever slept with?  Sleeping with him only 4 days after we met made me feel like a slut.  But I didn’t care.  I had to know what sex with a man-man was like.  Sex with my gay husband was great, but I wasn’t satisfied with that.

Seriously, all I wanted was sex.  That’s all he wanted as well.  It was part of the terms of our agreement.  However, he started to like me.  Started asking questions about my personal life – not just what I wanted to do in bed.  Started talking about his kids, his family, his career.  Showed me his sense of humor.  Showed me his sensitive side.  Told me I was an amazing woman.  A great person.  The best lover he’s ever had.  Noticed things about my body that J never had.  Pointed out beautiful parts of me that I didn’t know I had.  Made me feel good about myself.

He loved me first.  And the more time I spent with him, the more I realized I was growing to love him.  Now he says he can see it in my eyes when I look at him.  He knows I love him and he’s confident of that fact.  Never doubts it.  Wants to meet my kids.  Would love for me to meet his (I refuse).

So, at the end of the day, I only get to dream about being beside him when I wake up in the morning.  I only get to dream about taking care of him.  I only get to wonder what it must be like to welcome him home every night.  Because he’s fulfilling the commitment he made to his family.  And ironically, that’s the reason I love him the most.

It’s not fair that I never get what I want.

Glittery Lipstick

I went to a gay bar this weekend.  Great fun!  Had my breasts (which are very nice I must say) kissed by a drag queen.  Each one.  Glittery lipstick.

Hey there……….

I haven’t written in a few months.  My life is busy.  The only reason I’m writing now is because I’m hurt, confused, sad, worried.  I don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.

Jay is my only real friend.  I mean, I have some AMAZING friends.  They love me.  They’d do absolutely anything for me.  They keep my secrets.  They cherish my friendship.  But there are some friends I just can’t tell everything.  I can’t tell them I’m married to a gay man.  I can’t tell them I’m damn near desperate for a solution to my hurt and problems.  I can’t tell them I’ve really fucked up the last few months.

I’m not sure I want to spill it here – what has been going on that is.  I’m afraid of being judged.  I’m afraid of hearing such negative things right now that I couldn’t possibly deal with at this time.  But I will tell you what it’s not:

It’s not my marriage to Jay.  I love him more than ever.  I’m happy with him.  I’m encouraging him to try to meet someone he can be friends with.  I totally support him and what he is and whatever decisions he needs to make to be the happiest he can in this life.  So for all of you who think we should get divorced or hope we get divorced or whatever – too bad.  So far that hasn’t presented itself as the right solution.  And only the two of us can determine what will make us happy.  I know I make him happy.  And he knows he makes me happy.

I’ve made some big mistakes.  I’ve become emotionally involved where I shouldn’t have.  I’m not good at dealing with worry or stress or anything like that.  I get depressed easily.  I’m on antidepressants.  My new one is Cymbalta.  I love it and I can tell it’s better than what I was for the last 2 years.  But my emotional strains have gotten harder over the last year as well.  So I think the Cymbalta is having trouble keeping up.

I need a counselor.  I know that.  I admit it 100%.  I don’t have the time or money.

I know Jay is worried about me.  I’ve started drinking more than I should.  I’m scared that I really don’t care.

More later.  I miss some of you very much.

Justify Me

Even though I have always been happy with our sex life and I’ve felt satisfied and fulfilled, finding out that Jay is gay has made me wonder if sex with a straight man would be any different.

As you’ve read here, Jay is very good at making love to me.  It’s not at all like some of you might imagine.  A gay man trying to figure out a woman’s body.  Having to imagine some great piece of dick to be able to tolerate the situation.  I can tell, when we are intimate, that Jay is there with me.  He’s attentive and caring.  He is interested in what I want and need.  He enjoys being with me.

That said, I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out because I’m sleeping with a gay man.  But, if I have to be honest, I will say that I wonder if sleeping with a straight man would be any different.  Sex is good – very good.  But can it get any better?  And do I really care if it can?

I can understand Jay’s need to be with a man.  A man who wants men, desires men, loves men.  He needs to know that a man can love him, make love to him, fuck him, and think he is attractive.  This makes sense.  So why wouldn’t it make sense for me as well?

I’m getting all of those things from Jay.  But does it mean as much?  This is a question I am trying to answer for myself.  I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time now.  I married young.  I never had another man tell me he wanted me or desired me.  I’ve never been with another man other than Jay.  How do you think this makes me feel?  As a woman, it makes me feel kind of like shit.

Jay says I just never noticed other men because I was married and I wasn’t looking.

I think it’s time for me to feel justified.

I miss you WordPress!

Hi!  I’m working on a post.  I miss all of you (well not some of you – you know who you are:)

Check back soon.  We are still alive, married, and in love.

Miss me?

Well, it’s been a long time.  I don’t know why exactly I’ve stayed away so long.  Sure, I’ve been busy.  But with my free time I’ve chosen to do other things rather than come here.  I haven’t even been reading some of my favorite blogs.  Not even Jay’s.  But I just caught up with his.

First I feel like saying that the reason I started this blog was because I was looking for something like this myself about a year ago.  I didn’t find a whole lot.  It wasn’t hard to find some stuff about mixed-orientation marriages that ended right away or how the gay spouse had been suffering for so long in a hetero-marriage.  But I wanted to read something about how the couple was really in love and didn’t want to divorce, etc.

People have judged us.  Many order us to get a divorce right now.  Although that probably makes sense to most of you, we love each other.  Our lives are very much intertwined with each others.  A divorce is not the best thing for our children.  We do not sit around here an fight.  Neither of us sit around here and mope because of our unhappiness.  We live a wonderful life.  We have sex.  Great sex.  A good amount of sex.  I am sexually fulfilled.  I know Jay is not completely for obvious reasons.  But let me say he has NO PROBLEMS performing.  And guess what?  He initiates sex most of the time.  Gross huh?  A gay man coming on to a woman.  Do you think possibly that love has a lot to do with desire and the ability to have sex with your partner?  Not just your labled sexuality?

I read Jay’s statement that being gay is not the biggest part of him.  A few people could not believe he said that.  But why should it be?  We are all made up of many threads woven together to make us who we are.  Why should any one thread be bigger than another?

We are a family.  Not a family in turmoil.  Think of bigger problems we could have like poverty, terminal illness, alcoholism, abuse.  We are happy, healthy, and blessed.

I know it is the tendency of many of you to generalize and think we are a “train wreck.”  But none of you knows our entire situation.  How can any of you know if divorce is best for us?  And if that’s what we end up deciding to do, why is everyone else in such a hurry for that to happen?  Financially it would be impossible for us to divorce unless we still lived right here in the same house.  Now that doesn’t make much sense does it?

Say I’m weak.  Maybe I am.  Perhaps the reason I’ve stayed away so long is because I’m in denial.  Reading all of this makes me have to think about things I really don’t want to think about.  Maybe Jay feels obligated to stay.  I’m sure that’s part of it.  But I can certainly tell he’s not miserable.

Will I ever wake up?

Sometimes it just hits me.  The life I have now is not all that different than the life I had a year ago.  But I have changed.  Things have changed.  Can others see that?

It has sunk in……..I married a gay man.  But once in a while, I just can’t believe it.

Jay is a good husband, a good father, a great lover.  He isn’t really gay.

Sometimes, honestly, I’m waiting for myself to wake up.  God, that would be amazing.  I’d cry and cry but I could breathe again.

Just forget about it

I read my last post.  My god, it’s kind of depressing isn’t it?  My.  Well, sometimes I write well and that was a very accurate description of what I was feeling. And quite an accurate portrayal of the situation.

Now, don’t over-react to what I wrote.  It sounds a bit dramatic to me.  I will admit, I’m concerned at times about my desire for alcohol.  Especially since I never drank before.

Does it feel better when I drink?  Sometimes.  Jay is not causing all of my pain.  I have some spiritual issues and some family issues that I’m dealing with as well.  If I drink I feel fun, happy, and woo-hoo.

I will stop.  I realize that I need to.  I realize that I have to.  But, telling you all (even though you don’t really know me) helps me feel better.  Otherwise I think I will explode with all of the thoughts and feelings bottled up inside me.  I have no one to tell but you.  I’m ashamed to tell my pastor.  I’m ashamed to tell my mom.  I’m ashamed to tell my best friend.  They will all ask why.

It’s simple.  I am not as strong as I thought I was.  God is showing me that.  He is trying to bring me to my knees to Him.

I’m not ready.

My confession

I sat on the cold tile floor in front of the cabinet that holds our liquor.  I’ve been hot this evening so I just enjoyed the chill I got for a moment before quietly opening the door to the cabinet.  Sometimes I like the purposefulness of trying to be so very, very quiet.  All of your motions are slow and deliberate.  Having to think about each tiny move you make so as not to make any sort of sound arouses my senses.

With the cabinet open I sat for a minute to listen.  I looked at the pretty bottles and the collection of glasses I would have to slowly and deliberately move to get to what I wanted.  My child moved in her room next door but she didn’t get up.  I took out the shaker and sat it on the bar.  I removed two double shot glasses and sat them next to me.  I took out a bottle of vodka and sat it aside.  I looked in the cabinet to see where things were before I blindly started digging around and knocking over glass.  My dear bottle of Crown was towards the back but not hard to get.  I took it out and noticed where the amount of liquor hit the label.  Not that I would ever add water back to a bottle of whiskey that cost nearly $30 but I wanted to know if what I was about to drink would be noticeable.

Now I have never had Crown straight up before.  But this afternoon as I sat in my car sobbing it’s just about all I could think about.  But as I started to put the things I’d removed back in the cabinet before pouring myself a glass (the last thing I needed was for someone to get up and see all these liquor glasses sitting in the floor – it would be easier to quickly hide one bottle if I heard someone coming) the vodka seemed more tempting.  It’s cobalt blue bottle shined in the light from the patio doors outside.  I held it up – there was a lot more of it than there was of my precious Crown.  I thought about how much I enjoy a Crown and Coke and how if I made myself sick on the Crown tonight I’d likely never want a Crown and Coke again.

I had to get up and wash a shot glass.  I barely turned the kitchen faucet on and decided a rinse in cold water would be enough.  A little dust wouldn’t hurt me.  But I’m a lady and I need a clean glass.  I rinsed and dried it several times.  Procrastinating to see if I could hear anyone awake.  I ran the glass full of water to see how many swallows it would take me to get it all down.  Practicing before I put the real stuff in.  I wanted to be able to swallow all of the vodka at once and this was a big shot glass.  After three tries I figured out where to pour the vodka to so that I’d be able to just take one big gulp.  Two fingers from the bottom.  I sat down again and opened the bottle.  I smelled it although I did not expect to smell anything.  I stuck my finger in the liquid and tasted it.  I got up one more time and cradled my glass like a MIng vase.  I walked into the hall to peer into my daughter’s room.  I then turned around to look in my son’s room.  I went in and felt his chest.  Then I went back to my daughter’s room and kissed her.  I want them to be better than me.  Stronger than me.

I poured some.  I didn’t have to courage to take the big gulp.  Just like I don’t have to courage to leave.  Just like I don’t have the courage to run my car off the road.  Just like I don’t have the courage to tell my friends that I think I might have an alcohol problem can they help me please before it gets worse and I end up in some clinic and my kids are ashamed of me and my husband leaves me not because he’s gay but because I’m a drunk and I look like an old hag and smell of hard liquor all the time.

I tasted it slowly.  My first tiny swallow burned my throat.  Ick.  But that stopped and what I was left with was a pleasant tingling tongue and lips.  Another tiny sip.  The burning was less.  The tingling was better.  A little voice (probably the devil himself) said that if I just drink it all the tingling will be inside me instead of just on my lips.  Like and orgasm.  I haven’t had one in a while it seems……..

I cried.  I put my head in my hands and cried.  I asked God what I should do.  Should I tell my husband how much it hurts?  Should I tell him I need him and the physical affection even more than I realized?  Should I tell him I need him to make love to me?  I asked God to give me strength and to take away this temptation.

*************************************************************************************************************

I don’t understand why temptation seems to come at you more frequently when you are already down and feeling like shit.  For instance, I was not a drinker before Jay came out.  I never ever remember serious opportunities arising for a casual sexual encounter without my husband knowing until now.  I could so easily fulfill my need for physical pleasure right now with a man I came very close to sleeping with once in my life and Jay would never know about it.  What sucks is I don’t think Jay would care.  That’s why it’s not worth it.

I am still alive!

Sometimes he is so un-sexual.  But I do have a vagina so that should not surprise me.  It’s not something he wants – just settles for.

Love you all.  Miss ya too.