Where do I start?

I really have no idea where to begin.  I used to post so regularly.  I had lots of readers at one time.  I made some real friends here.  I can name five people off the top of my head whom I keep in contact with who actually know my real identity.  They have been very helpful.  And what I hope most, is that making friends with them will be an inspiration to those of you who are reading because you feel like I once felt….nearly five years ago – like you’re alone and you want to die.

So much has changed and if I tried to catch you all up at once, this would be the novel I’m trying to write.  So, I’ll just start small.  I haven’t gone back and read all of my previous posts, just the last few.  I will have to update “The Players” over on the right hand side of this blog.

I want to say to those of you who have found this blog recently, and who’ve read every post and commented or sent me a message because you recently found out your husband is gay – there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I promise.  I swear to you, it will get better.  It will be, quite possibly, the hardest fucking thing you’ve ever done.  But, it will get better.  Do not let anyone influence the decisions you and your husband will make regarding your family and marriage.  That will be very hard.  But I think it’s very important.

Don’t read this blog if you’re here to judge me.  I don’t need that.  I’m hard on myself already, and hell, this is MY blog.  What I write is 100% true.  You can’t make this shit up.  I’ve always written from the heart and I’ve always been honest.  I’m opinionated, liberal, and open minded.  But I do have feelings.  And, I haven’t completely healed.

Come back soon.  I will…….

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March 10, 2012 · 11:47 pm

Stats

I haven’t posted in a long time, and I rarely check in here.  But lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind so I’ve been lurking on WordPress and visiting some of my old blogroll.  I check my stats and my views have been up lately.  I have no idea why…..is it National Coming out to Your Wife Month or something?  Anyway, I’m working on a couple of posts.  But I’d like those of you who are reading to tell me why you’ve been visiting lately.  Thanks.

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Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?

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Heeeeellllllooooo!!!

Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.

You were wrong.

Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.

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Ex-Files

I bet not many divorcing couples stand in the kitchen of the home they share and hug each other on the day that they finally file their divorce with the county court clerk. But that’s what Jay and I did. Two days ago I filed my divorce petition. In 90 days, this nearly 15 year marriage will be over.

My soon-to-be ex-husband and I are on very good terms which you know if you have read any portion of this blog. I’ve done a lot of thinking and soul-searching over this past year more than ever. I’m ending this marriage, not Jay. I don’t think he would ever file for divorce if I did not do it myself. But, I have come to the conclusion that divorcing him is the best thing for me and for Jay, and for the kids in the long run.

While 2009 was not the best year of my life (I did some things I am NOT proud of) the events that shaped the year helped me realize that I need out of this marriage. And for the people and choices I made that brought me to that conclusion I am grateful. But I’m ready to move on. Starting a new life seems very promising and I’m excited about that. Happy New Year everyone.

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The Birdcage

I have chosen to make light of my situation.  I mean, media treats situations like mine as comedy.  Examples:  The Birdcage, Will and Grace, Modern Family.  There are more.  You laugh when you watch these.  I laugh when I watch these.  So why cry at my own life?

I’m not crying anymore.  I’m done.  It’s life.  It’s fun.  It’s real.  No one is dressed like June Cleaver and standing in the kitchen all day trying not to make the sponge cake fall while talking to the ladies on the phone too loudly about the fall bazzar.

Recently I’ve outed Jay to several of my friends and family. Their reaction always contains something like, “I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this.” Well yeah – it’s been hard at times. But in reality I have a good life. I married a man when I was still a child (19) who made the ultimate sacrifice – his own happiness- to provide for me and care for me. To give me children when he would have been OK without having children. To build what appeared to be a perfect life with me. For all of this I am truly grateful.

My life is good. My kids have a good father. I have a great relationship with Jay and don’t see that ever changing. I have a man who loves me and desires me who wants to be a part of my “modern family” and a step-father to my children. He wants to keep Jay in our lives and he’s very accepting of the situation. I love his children and look forward to getting to be a part of their lives.

So although I’m anxious about the future (I don’t like the unknown) I am confident that this new family that’s forming will be a happy one.

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The Outing

About a month ago, I informed my parents that Jay and I would be getting a divorce.  Let’s just say – they didn’t take it well.  I didn’t tell them that Jay is gay.  I just told them it was amicable.  Since then, I have endured their comments, accusations, and their shame due to their assumption that the end of my marriage was my fault.  It hurt.  Really bad at times.  I didn’t admit how bad to anyone.  But, I was protecting Jay.  Even though I don’t love him the way I thought I did (I’ll explain in a moment) I do love him.  He’s part of me.  He always will be.  He’s the father of the children I adore.  He’s been with me through everything I’ve been through and a few of those times were very hard.  He stayed here through his coming-out process while he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do.  He didn’t just up and leave me alone like he could have.  And he wouldn’t ask me for a divorce even to this day if I hadn’t asked for one first.

A couple of good friends convinced me that I couldn’t endure my parents torture anymore.  Jay never asked me to protect him.  He was tired of watching me hurt and said one time, “Just tell them you married a fag and get it over with!”  I still refused.  But, after careful consideration I decided that outing my soon-to-be ex-husband couldn’t make things any worse.  So this morning, I grew some balls and drove the 30 miles to my parents’ home to spill my guts.

They were shocked.  They apologized.  They didn’t ask many questions but I’m sure they will once they have time to think about things.  They said they don’t understand but they want me to be happy.  They want Jay to be happy.  The situation went much better than I had anticipated.  I apologized for not trusting them enough to tell them the information in the first place.  They were saddened by the fact that I have been going through this alone for two years.  But what I wanted to tell them was that I haven’t been alone.  I wanted to tell them that for the last six months I have been seeing the most amazing man who I’m terribly in love with.  That he has changed my life.  That I have been unfaithful to my gay husband and I’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with this man.  That I’m planning a future with him.  And that I’m learning what it feels like to really be in love.

Make no mistake about this – my love for Jay is genuine.  I know that.  And I know it will never end.  But looking back on our relationship, I now recognize that my love for him is not and perhaps never was romantic love.  I wanted him.  I desired him.  But, it seems like there was always something missing.

That missing ingredient was passion.  We never had passion.  We had love, mutual respect, commitment, and friendship.  But, I never knew we were lacking passion.  I now think that passion is created by desire.  He never desired me.  He loved me and that love was enough for him to be able to make love to me, make me happy, make me feel good.  But, words can’t explain the difference in sex when there is no passion, and sex when there is tons of passion.

So, I’ve found what I’ve been missing.  I’ve fallen in love -quite possibly – for the first time in my life.  I know God put me and Jay together for a purpose.  We have two amazing kids.  We’ve had an amazing, happy life together that is not ending – just changing.  I think I’m here to help him travel this difficult road he’s started walking down.  But, I’ve fallen in love with a man that I feel I was made for.  My heart belongs to him.  I want to spend the rest of my life making him happy.  I want him to take care of me.  I can’t live without him.  I don’t want to.

What’s amazing to me is that at the age of 34, I’m just now having these feelings about a man.  I didn’t feel like this with Jay.  My relationship with Jay was always comfortable.  We were friends.  Friends who loved each other.  Who still love each other.  Things came easy.

So my days are spent daydreaming about another man.  My nights are filled with desire to be lying next to him.  My heart feels like it’s exploding with love for him.  When I see him, I can’t wait to touch him.  I can’t wait to have my lips on his.  When I sleep in his bed, I feel safe and at home.  I miss him as soon as we part.  I adore him.  I watch him sleep – thanking God for putting him into my life.  Believing with heart and soul that we were made for each other and it just took us so long to find one another.

I wouldn’t change my past, and neither would he.  Because we both have wonderful kids  that we live for.  But I’m very excited about my future with him.  Looking forward to loving him and his children with all my heart.  Looking forward to everything that comes along with building a life together – from the boring, mundane, and ordinary tasks to the fun and exciting and intimate times we are sure to share.  I love him.  It sounds so simple.  But it means the world.  It means the entire world.

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