I haven’t posted in a while……..the kids have been sick, I’ve been sick, and lots of crap to deal with. Anyway, I wanted to tell the story of my husband coming out in different posts here because it is just too much to tell all at once.
For the first week or so after I found out that I married a gay man, a new secret was revealed to me every day or so. First I want you to understand that things that seemed like a big deal at the time are no longer a big deal. It’s just the initial shock of finding out your husband is gay makes everything else an “Oh my god!” moment. I mentioned previously that when I asked my husband if he had cheated on me his reply was “Not exactly.” Hmmmmmmm, what does that mean? Well, he did not physically have contact with another man. He had been looking at gay porn since the advent of the internet but most recently he had been chatting with a gay man on-line. At the time this was a big deal to me. I was jealous of course – I think that’s normal. What made it a big deal to me was that he and this other man (single 20 something college grad student – from here on known as “Internet Guy”) had engaged in “internet sex” here in our home. I was in Kansas at a conference for work when this event occurred. My curiosity made me ask my husband for details of this event. It seems that my husband had been chatting with this guy for a couple of weeks. He sent a picture of his dick to this man and the guy was interested in more than chatting. He invited my husband to meet him for sex. Fortunately my husband declined but not after pondering the fact that he could easily get away with it. So they proceeded to chat on line in a private chat room about sex. This led to a phone call. One that only involved the two of them listening to each other jack off at the end of their on-line sex session. I freaked out – does this man have our phone number, does he know where we live, does he know my husband’s name? But the answer was no to all of these questions. Good. Not that this guy is a bad person. I don’t even know him. But I just freaked out at a total stranger knowing those details. So, what exactly is the turn-on to jacking off over the phone? No words were even exchanged – only “sounds.” So I didn’t get it. I actually laughed. It sounded so ridiculous to me. And the thought of my husband standing in front of my Macbook with his pants down and an erection so he could take a picture of it seemed so juvenile. But, after pondering this for a while I kind of understand. I mean, when you feel like you have to hide who you are and have only lived out your wildest fantasies in your mind, you’ll do stuff like this. The temptation was too great for him to resist. Another man was interested in him. How exciting that must have been.
Well, when I first learned of this bit of information, I insisted that the relationship he had with this man stop. Not that it was much of a relationship. He lives only 30 miles away so maybe that is why I felt threatened. Anyway, the relationship did end briefly until I told my husband I didn’t really care if he continued to talk to Internet Guy. They chatted again off and on but not about sex. He had encouraged my husband to come out to me in the first place. And now he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to leave this marriage and how my husband could continue being a husband and father. He wondered why my husband had bothered to come out in the first place if he wasn’t going to “do” anything about it. I’ll admit, I was pissed. Not only was I pissed that this man did not understand our situation and was judging our relationship, I was pissed that this guy knew what my husband’s dick looked like, pissed that he wanted to sleep with my husband, and pissed that he knew what my husband sounded like when he came. Not fair – that stuff is only for me. And eventually I realized that being angry at a stranger is easier than being angry with my husband. Oh well……….their on-line chatting sessions have since ended. Abruptly due to my inability to get over the jealousy I have for this man. I can imagine a day when my husband has a male partner. Someone I also care deeply for and who understands the relationship we have together with our children and as best friends. But honestly, it could never be Internet Guy. Even if he is the greatest guy on earth, my opinion of him would always be tainted. Not his fault of course.
