I haven’t yet mentioned that in the first 2-3 weeks after the big coming out, I couldn’t eat. I had absolutely no appetite at all. I didn’t desire food. I’d try to eat and it had no taste. I cried daily. I wished my husband had not told me his secret because I was very happy with the way things were. We had a “perfect life” – a wonderful home, healthy children, plenty of food and money, clothes, and a great church family and friends. I’d lived a long time in ignorance, and he had done a very good job of hiding the fact that he was gay.
In the days to come I found out that my husband had been looking at gay porn since the internet was introduced to the public. We were in college at the time and there were computer labs popping up all over campus. Both of us would stay out late studying or completing assignments so I never had a reason to expect that he was up to no good at the computer lab. He got caught once – by some grumpy older lady who was the lab monitor. She simply told him to stop.
After the night of the big coming-out, one of the first things I wanted to know was if he had ever been with a man. He admitted to me that he had in fact messed around with another guy as a young teen. No intercourse (is that what it is called among gay men?) just blow jobs and hand jobs. Both of them were afraid to go any further because that would surely mean they were gay. My husband was so embarrassed to tell me that this guy was his step-brother. Now step-brother had not been in his life for very long. Step-brother was estranged from his biological father who happens to be my husband’s step-father. As step-brother came into his life, they would spend the night together and eventually it led to “activity of a homosexual nature.” I was dumbfounded by this revelation. I had personally known step-brother for quite some time before I even knew my husband. He had dated a couple of my friends pretending to be straight. (I say pretending because step-brother is openly gay now.) He’s one of those fruity, flamboyant guys that all the jocks make fun of in school and accuse of being gay. But, he’s terribly annoying. I mean, you can not even imagine how annoying this guy is. It has nothing to do with him being gay. He’s just so annoying. Anyway, I could not believe that my husband had given this guy a blow job. But I realize that it was easy to get away with and it was someone who would not tell this secret. They were related for god’s sake. More to come……….
1 Comment
February 6, 2008 at 11:23 am
Hi, I just stumbled across your blog and I have to say you are very brave to be sharing this with the world. I am the daughter of a gay married man and watched my parents struggle with all of these issues for decades. It had a profound affect on my brother and me. My parents remained married until my father’s death last year. I wish you luck on your journey and will stop back frequently. Jen