I don’t know what to write about next. There are so many things really. How about something quite personal. Jay told me on a Sunday night back in October that he had been lying to me forever. On Monday night he made love to me. I needed it so desperately, too. I just wanted to know that he really did love me and that at least that part of our marriage was genuine. A lot of you will be wondering how a gay man can have sex with his wife. I’ve asked the same question over and over again. I have read stories from other gay men who also continue a sexual relationship with their wives. It really makes no sense. I only have one answer – love. The way Jay puts it, he enjoys showing his love to me that way. He has never had to force himself to be with me and does not think of men while we are in bed. I believe him. Sometimes it’s hard to believe he’s telling the truth, but I do. He is the one to most often initiate sex. He and I are best friends who are comfortable with one another in every way. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t really have to. I have told him that our intimate life can stop and he says he doesn’t want it to. Realistically, I know that at some point it will. What is interesting to me is that after I found out Jay is gay, I desired him more than ever. Something psycological I’m sure. (Like knowing that one day I won’t be able to go down on him anymore makes me want to get all I can right now.) I’d lay there in bed just wanting to touch him, kiss him, ride him, hold him. We had sex a lot that first week. I was so confused. Knowing lots of women would have kicked their husband out of the house or at least moved to a different bedroom made me feel like a freak. I loved Jay more than ever. I ached with the thought of the pain he had been living through for his entire life. The pain that comes from wanting to be straight and not being able to change how your body feels. The pain that comes from feeling like there is something wrong with you because society tells you that being gay is not normal. The pain of having to keep a secret from the people you love the most. I just wanted to heal him and love him the only way I know how, and that is by making love to him.
February 11, 2008...1:16 pm
making love to a gay man
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February 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm
When my ex told me he was involved with someone else and wanted a divorce, I was mad as hell but also wanted to have sex with him right then. I did. Years later after we divorced he told me it was still the best sex he had ever had. It doesn’t make sense. I think you are right about pre-emptively trying to get your fill. Obviously the sex didn’t keep him from leaving there was more to it then that. It isn’t quite the same since he isn’t gay but sleeping with someone who is no longer only “yours”, or who is attracted to someone else, ads an element of competition to the whole thing.
February 12, 2008 at 10:44 am
Anginae, I’ve tagged you for a meme. http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/2008/02/ive-been-tagged-with-meme-my-first.html
You can plug the url into your browser or just go to my blog and find it. it has the rules posted. It’s a fun way to read other blogs and to meet other’s with similar interests. It’s a lot of fun.