From some of the language I use in my blog you may not be able to tell that I am actually a good girl. What I mean is, I’m a faithful church-goer who is very active in our church. I have been a Christian since my earliest memories. Lots of people devote their lives to God, to studying His word and praying, to being model Christians for others. I hope to achieve that someday. I would say I was on my way there. But life threw me a curve ball when I found out my husband is gay so God has just got to give me a break here. Needless to say, I was angry with God. Not a new feeling to me. In the past, I had been very angry with God when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (at a young age) and again, when after struggling for years to get pregnant and finally conceiving, I miscarried – twice. I believe that sometimes God is the only one who can deal with our anger and disappointment. He loves us no matter what we feel or do. He forgives us completely. And He waits for us to return to Him.
We are raising our children to be Christians – not fundamentalists. Believing in Christ and learning the stories in the Bible are very important to us. We want them to be open-minded and not judge people but love them for who they are. We want them to know that families can consist of single-parent families, homosexual parents, or any combination of people who love and care for each other. We want them to leave the judgment up to God, not to society.
So how can I explain some of the feelings I have and the language I use here in this blog? I guess I feel there are two sides of me. One side of me is trying to hold on to her core beliefs and faith in the Lord. The other side is being brutally honest about all of the issues that are coming up when dealing with a life-altering event like this. I don’t want you all to think I’m cussing like a sailor around my children and friends. I know how to control myself.
When my husband told me he is gay, our pastor who is also a dear friend, was away in L.A. on a study trip. Unfortunately, a member of our congregation passed away after a long illness and he had to fly back suddenly to do the funeral service. I knew he would return to L.A. as soon as the funeral was over and I had to talk to him while he was here because he was scheduled to be gone for two weeks. I went to his office the day before the funeral while he was trying to prepare for the service. I told him I had something very importatnt to discuss with him. He is a 40 year old man, quite open-minded, and very non-judgemental so I knew he could offer me a lot of help.
I told him what Jay had recently revealed to me. He was stunned, shocked, and speechless. He could not believe what I was telling him. He asked me if Jay had been seeing another man and I told him no. I also informed him that this marrigae was not over, that I am very open-minded about homosexuals, and that I loved my husband more than ever. We talked for over an hour. Most of the conversation I do not remember. I remember asking him if he thought God would want Jay and I to divorce. He said no. He told me that some of his closest friends are gay and Christian and they believe that God allowed them to be gay so that they could help others. It’s just a part of who they are. He also said that he imagines that there are lots more couples like Jay and I out there and that we may be able to help them.
After assuring me that he would not take this secret to his grave, we prayed together. Actually, he prayed and I just sat in the presence of God. I felt 100% better knowing this man would be petitioning the Lord for the well-being of my family.
I have to say that I am very annoyed and frustrated by fundamentalist Christians who interpret the Bible to fit their agenda. Why any of them would insist that gay people choose to be gay is simply idiotic to me. People do not choose torment and pain. People do not choose humiliation and embarrassment. My husband has prayed to God his whole life to be rid of these feelings he has for other men. God has not answered his prayer. This is a big reason why my husband is an agnostic. I found this out a day or so after I learned of his homosexuality. It was quite a shock. However, I understand and I will not pressure him to be a believer. God will wait on him.
