In the coming days after Jay burst out of the closet, I lost a lot of trust in him. Why? I don’t really know. I just thought that the first night he should have told me everything but he didn’t and in the days to come I found out something new and shocking almost daily. So, I took it upon myself to discover his secrets.
First, I checked all of his email accounts. He only had a couple and I knew there would be nothing incriminating on his work account since his boss had access to that. He told me his screen name for yahoo so I checked that account first. It was not difficult to figure out his passwords. I have known the man for so long. I felt terribly guilty but somehow justified this by telling myself that he was the one who lied to me and I had every right to do what I was doing. I checked his credit card and bank statements. I found nothing. He had told me that Internet Guy had a Myspace page and he told me he knew his first name. I struggled with wanting to actually see what Internet Guy was like and what it was about him that tempted my husband. I searched Myspace with only a first name, his general whereabouts, and his age but there were so many people to look at. I couldn’t find him.
I did not know what I was looking for. The biggest part of me trusted this man I’ve called husband for so long, but there was a tiny part of me that thought he had more lies piled up somewhere. I kept checking the email and came up with nothing. I demanded that Jay end his on-line relationship with Internet Guy and he did. I gave my permission for another chance to chat with Internet Guy to tell him “goodbye.” That led to my discovery. One day, I decided to check my husband’s yahoo account one more time. There was an email he had sent to Internet Guy because he wasn’t chatting with him on YIM anymore. It said something like this, “I’m sorry I can’t make you understand. I don’t know how to explain it. I have really enjoyed talking with you these last few weeks.” I had Internet Guy’s email address and therefore a YIM name as well. I wrote it down and slipped it in my purse. I did not yet know what I would do with it. I kept thinking about it though because from the sound of the email Jay had sent I could tell that he sort of liked this guy and was somewhat concerned about him.
Next I did something totally unlike me. I set up a fake email account. One where I was a gay male. I made an avatar that looked like a cute 30-ish gay guy. I registered on gay.com using this email. I played around with the idea of sending Internet Guy a message. I just wanted to talk to this guy to see if he was really great or something. Finally I could resist no longer. I sent an email from my fake account to Internet Guy pretending I had seen him on gay.com. I waited a few days and got what I wanted – a response. He wanted to know where I had seen him chatting. Gay.com sounded believable since I knew this is where Jay first found him so I told him that. He wanted pics of me. Of course, I had already judged him for trying to fuck my husband so no matter what he said to me I’d dislike him with a passion. He seemed really into himself. All he cared about was sex. He told me some trivial information about himself but mostly the chat centered around sex. He is openly gay and confident about his sexuality. I kept trying to fish for information on his relationship with my husband by telling him that I had fallen for a married guy before only to be hurt and that I was being really careful with who I trusted again. He never mentioned Jay at all. I got bored with this quickly and stopped.
So next I decided to see what it was my husband was into. When Jay told me there was a sight called gay.com where he had met a couple of chatting partners I almost didn’t believe him. It just seemed ridiculous to me that there was a gay site called gay.com. Anyway, I went there. I also looked at my share of gay porn. That was easy. Google “gay porn” and you’ll see. I’ve never found the idea of same-sex couples disgusting. But I’ve never been into porn so I wouldn’t say I enjoyed looking at it. I saw guys I thought were too well-endowed to be real if you know what I mean. That sort of thing just makes me laugh. No one has a 10 inch dick for real do they? Anyway, I saw guys fucking each other in positions I did not know men could fuck each other in. I guess I just imagined one position for gay sex. Not true. I saw guys giving head to each other which I would say was not too bad to look at. Probably because I love to do that myself. I even learned of something new…….rimming. Why I never thought of this I don’t know. If you knew me in my pre-marital days you’d know I was definitely no prude. But for some reason, this is something I never even thought of.
I set out to see if heterosexuals and lesbians participated in rimming as well. Yep. Is everyone doing this except me? I honestly do not want to do this nor have it done to me. Talk about being self-conscious about something. Maybe I’m missing out on a lot. I guess I’ll never know.
I also wanted to look at lesbian porn to see if I was turned on by it at all. I wasn’t. I wasn’t even really turned on by hetero porn either. It’s just not something I’m into I guess. I find reading about sex much more arousing. I can imagine things my way.
I had to know more about giving head. I had always enjoyed it and I thought my husband enjoyed receiving it so I felt I had that going for me. But was I really doing it right? I searched on sites for women like ivillage and then more pornographic sites written by men giving women instruction. It seemed I was doing it right but I was ignoring a couple of important areas – the perineum and the testicles. I thought guys’ balls were too sensitive and that I had to be really careful with them and I never did anything more than give them a gentle squeeze. I could not believe that my husband had never let me know how much he wanted me to pay attention to these two key areas. I’ve been graphic enough so I’ll just say that I am no longer ignorant and I think I am giving better head than ever.
So I’m not checking Jay’s email anymore. I did it for a while and I hate to admit this but I even deleted a few messages from Internet Guy before Jay had the chance to read them. I had to protect my marriage right? Jay caught me once. I was logged on to his account when he tried to log on to it at work and it kicked him off and told him his account was already open. He wasn’t angry. He had given me his user name so that I’d trust him again and he proved trustworthy. When he said he wouldn’t lie to me anymore he meant it.
So where is Internet Guy now? Keep reading……………..
3 Comments
February 18, 2008 at 10:11 pm
What an honest story. I’m intrigued by your situation – I have a close friend whose husband of 20 years is a drag queen. She supports him and does his makeup when he goes out. I’m glad that you’re (somewhat) able to make things work. Props to you for your patience!
February 19, 2008 at 12:59 am
i am conflicted about this revelation. while i can see the reasons why you did such things, i can not seem to understand why you had to snoop around to try and put the puzzle pieces of your worries together, rather than letting your husband say it himself. i’m not entirely sure what your situation is right now, but i just want to reiterate what Brian said a while back, ‘time heals wounds’. i can not speak for your husband, but it usually takes a long time for someone to fully open up about the past. one can’t just expect all the answers at once.
now i’m not an expert or anything, and i’m not one to give advices, so please spare me your indifference, for i intend no offense to you and your husband. you asked if there’s a word for people like you, and i’d say it’ll be ‘human’, one who is capable of loving, caring, and forgiving, despite the harsh realities life could bring to them.
February 19, 2008 at 7:59 am
You are simply amazing. Please don’t take this negatively, but the fact that you are still with your husband blows me away. The love you have for him definitely shows in your posts.
I wish you all the best.