I really have so much to do right now but there are lots of things I have to get out that are swimming around in my head. And so many times when I sit down here to write thinking I have nothing to write about, the words come easy once I start.
I just read Jay’s latest post titled “Options.” I’ll have to admit, it was like getting slapped in the face. What can you think of the status of your marriage when your husband communicates better with you via computer than in person? It’s not something he does on purpose, he never has been extremely good at putting his thoughts and feelings into words. It is true that I’ve asked him what he wants. I’ve been sitting around here waiting for him to decide so that I can get on with my life I guess. But after reading his last post, maybe I need to make my own decisions. It’s going to hurt either way. But I’m thinking that prolonging what needs to be done is not the right thing to do.
I’ve heard from so many gay men who are married that have said they have been able to stay in their marriage and remain faithful to their wives. They make the sacrifice of having gay relationships to maintain the integrity of their family life the way it has always been. I’ve heard from many gay men who divorced from their wives, found real love with a man, and remained best friends with their ex-wives and wonderful fathers to their children and their partner becomes a family member.
So which one do I want? I want Jay to stay here, married to me, and sacrifice his physical needs for mine. But, the part of me that loves him says that is not fair. Another part of me says that if you love someone enough you can make sacrifices for them because you want them to be happy. So which one of us makes these sacrifices? Jay’s sacrifice would involve denying himself love with a man. My sacrifice would involve denying myself a physical, intimate, day to day relationship with the man I have always loved. Why should I be the one to make the sacrifice?
I still enjoy sex very much. I have a feeling that our sexual relationship will end sooner than I’d like. What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m not old enough to live in celibacy and nor do I want to. I don’t have the time to find someone else I want to have sex with.
School will be out soon. I think the children and I will go stay with family for the summer. We have family that live in the same town where I work so that would not be difficult. I just don’t know what to tell my family………….
5 Comments
May 2, 2008 at 9:31 am
OK, no one has commented so I will. I’ve wanted to the last 2 days, but I really was surprised by what you said, so I thought maybe it was just me. But here goes.
I think you give two extreme choices for Jay – both are idealized, happily-ever-after outcomes. The reality will probably be somewhere in between. What if Jay moves out and never finds Mr. Right…
Jay and you need more time to process all this. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you and the kids to abandon him for the summer. Jay needs you and you need him. You’ll be able to figure this thing out together.
May 2, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Thanks for your comment. I always enjoy hearing your point of view. I agree it may take a lot of time to figure this out. I don’t thin Jay will ever leave so I thought maybe if I leave for a while, it might give him some room. You are right – I need him. Probably more than I should.
May 4, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Don’t wanna comment on your post cos I prefer not to say anything and let you two solve it your own way. But for the communicating better via computer, don’t blame Jay, it’s 21st century and most people have such problem that’s why my hubby reads my mails and blog.
Btw don’t worry too much and take things easy,ok?
May 5, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Sometimes if the other side can’t make a decision, you have to make the one they should make. My ex fiance did that after 2 years of trying to pretend like I was straight. In the end she knew that I would never be able to want her with 100% of myself…even though I loved her very much…and we had sex. She really deserves someone who can truly give themselves to her. She left me. I would have continued to act, since that was the ‘easy’ and ‘right’ thing to do….but very unhealthy for me.
When she left it forced me to face up to myself and I actually ended up being much more happy…it was not easy, but it set me free to find my true self. Your husband loves you and he is struggling big-time, but both of you need to look at the reality of the situation and not try to live up to anyone’s image
May 6, 2008 at 10:31 pm
I think you are right that you both will have to make sacrifices, though it isn’t one or the other. You seem to have been in a loving relationship so far, so just because Jay feels compelled to explore other things doesn’t mean he won’t be hurt over losing you.
But reading both his post and yours, I am certain that from the standpoint of fairness there is one sacrifice you DON’T have to make–you don’t have to wait for him to explore his options while you sit idly by and hope he doesn’t find the right partner. Would you do allow someone to treat you like that in any other context? Plenty of couples, straight or gay, especially those who started young, reach a point where one experiences a strong desire to explore other options, but naturally doesn’t want to lose his/her security blanket in the process … and that simply is selfish and unfair.
The options you list–deciding between staying in a relationship hoping you can be happy even with the common knowledge that his mind is straying, or separating and remaining a family but finding new partners–do not sound idealistic to me. They are options you have to work at, but very realistic.
But I disagree that the options represent either a sacrifice for Jay or for you; in both cases, I think you BOTH are making sacrifices. If he sacrifices his desires to stay in the marriage, you will still have lost the blind trust and faith that your husband has eyes for only you. You will also have to live with the knowledge that your husband had to give something fundamental up for your sake–this won’t be easy. On the other hand, if you let him go and sacrifice your marriage, he will lose the security that you provide for him of a lover he can return to if things don’t work out.
Personally I’d prefer the latter of the sacrifices; because breaking up is hard to do, but people do move on. It would also force Jay to do what he so desires without being able to use you as a crutch or reason why he isn’t following his desires. It may seem hearbreaking and scary for you both, but you’d still be in each others’ lives. And though it seems impossible to move on from the one love of your life, people have done it before. And you can, if you’re willing. All you’d be missing out on from his is the sex, and as daunting as it may seem to get sometimes, sex is available in abundance.
(Just say so if I’m overstepping my boundaries here as a reader. As always, thanks so much for sharing)