Where do I start? I thought that this blog was an open forum for me to express my feelings and thoughts as they come into my head. I really don’t plan these posts, the words just come out as I’m sitting here. So the last time I posted, I had just read Jay’s post on what he thought his options were. Now let me clarify that I was aware of what he thought his options were when I read his last post. None of the words shocked me. What I described as a “slap in the face” was the fact that he was actively thinking of these options without discussing them with me. I thought we were doing this together. I thought that the reason he told me he is gay was so I could help him make the right decision for us and our family. So in sitting down to write my post, I expressed my current feelings.
Jay read my post. Apparently, he felt guilty for the way I feel. Sorrrrrry! What the hell am I supposed to feel? NO MATTER WHERE OR WHEN OR HOW YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GAY IT WAS GOING TO HURT. THAT PAIN DOES NOT GO AWAY EASILY AND ***NEWS FLASH*** IT MAY NEVER COMPLETELY GO AWAY. Obviously, our ideal options are the same. If I’m being honest, I have to say that of course ideally I would choose to always be married to Jay and keep our family in-tact. But my mistake was in expressing that in my blog. What I did not say was that I thought that was the best thing for our family.
The truth is, I don’t know yet what the best thing is. I think Jay freaked out when he saw that I was tossing the idea around in my head of taking the kids – only for the summer – and staying with family only 25 miles away. I got a comment from a wonderful and regular reader that I should not leave because Jay needs me and I need him. I appreciated his comment but we aren’t talking about a great distance here and separating does not mean I don’t support him. I just thought that if he had some time away from me and the kids, the bed-times and baths, the bickering over toys and TV shows, that he might be able to think through things a bit.
Jay has decided (for now) that he wants to forget as best he can that he is gay. He has asked me to forget as well. Do any of you out there really think I can do that? He wants me to live in his closet. I’m not saying that I am ready to go out and tell the world that my husband is gay. But there is no way that I can pretend that Jay never came out to me. If I sit still and it’s very quiet, I can still here those words and feel the way I felt that night that he broke my heart. I don’t yet know if I can live my entire life with the biggest secret on the planet weighting me down everyday.
