God only knows what this post will be about. I feel like something is inside of me, telling me to write but I don’t know what it is so here goes. Hmmmmm. I read Jay’s last post titled In Rainbows. It made me feel kind of crappy. For the longest time I thought I knew everything about this man I loved. Then one day (7 1/2 months ago) he tells me he’s been lying to me this whole time. We’ve talked a lot since then. I’ve asked him embarrassing questions that I have no right to ask. He answers me without argument. He shares a lot with me. Yet reading his last post made me realize how much there is about him I still don’t know.
I imagine a man who is torn inside. I imagine a man who has two hearts. One heart loves me, our children, our life together in small town rural America. The other heart longs to be loved by a man. It wants to know how it feels to be a man in love with another man. I find myself asking why my love isn’t enough for him. But then the smarter part of me says that just as heterosexuality is natural and normal to me, and how I desire and need to be loved by a man, homosexuality is natural and normal to Jay and he feels like he is missing out on something. He is.
I try to think about myself as a single woman with no children. Jay and I married young so this is hard to do. But imagining myself as a single, working professional is something I can do. I have parents who love me a lot and whose company I enjoy (for the most part). I have great friends who I have great times with and they love me and are there for me in a heartbeat if I need them. But, I would long for intimate love with a man. I would want to know how it feels to be held and kissed and touched by someone I find sexually attractive. As much love as I can get from my family and friends would not be enough. Is this how my husband feels?
Someday, I guess I will move into the classification of just being Jay’s family, and not his lover. Because seriously, we will always love each other. I will always be in love with him. We will always be family. All of my dreams of the future have always involved him being there – for Christmases, vacations, our children’s graduations from college, grandchildren’s births, chemotherapy, surgeries, and finally death. I can’t change those dreams. I want him there. I want to see the ocean with him. I want to hold his hand when I’m sick. I want to see his face first on Christmas morning. I want to lie on the beach drinking Sangria with him in a hammock next to me. Is there room in these dreams for another man? Is there room for Jay’s lover, companion, or hopefully someday we can all say same-sex husband?
Before I start to cry, I have to say that I want Jay to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I just hurt so much ya know? Letting him go is going to be the hardest thing for me to do.
By the way, are there any men out there who can love my husband and love me? A man who can accept the fact that I’ve given years of my life to this man, trying to make him happy, and that I will always love him? A man who can live with the fact that I need Jay to balance my checkbook, mow my lawn, and change the oil in my car? A man who can tolerate spending holidays with me? A man who is patient and will not try to turn my husband against me? I’m willing to step aside a little bit, but I just don’t know how.
11 Comments
May 27, 2008 at 1:59 pm
omfg, I almost burst into tears and now I pretty got the point of all the things my ex did/does.
)
It sounds so hard cos I never tried to look it her way and honestly I don’t wanna be in your shoes.
You so much care about Jay as if he’s all you have and it’s hard for me to swallow all that love in a bite as a friend, it’s gonna be hell hard for a lover not to feel jealous. (Guys can be jealous too
I wouldn’t think of the third person cos I’m hell selfish and you’re not. You wanna risk whatever you have by letting another guy in your life, it’s too much of a sacrifice.
I wish I could do some magic and could come up with one best solution no one ever thought of. I can’t.
I do wish I could help you, at least you helped me and I gotta think very carefully, so thanks.
I can hope that guy come and find you cos you’re one wonderful lovely couple.
May 27, 2008 at 2:02 pm
forgot to mention, I like the new header though looks pretty thoughtful and sad
May 27, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Ange:
Two things upset me more than anything else in leaving my family:
1) that my wife took her maiden name again, and
2) that I had to give up my dream of growing old with my wife.
I was floored by the shock of #1, and the pain of #2.
I think it is dreams that die hardest.
There is a word for people like you:
“good people.”
T@C
May 27, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I really feel for you and when I read your post, I felt as though my ex-wife was speaking directly to me. What is so unfair about the whole thing is that – when we have these mixed sexual orientation marriages, it’s almost never a deliberate act of deception to enter into marriage. Both parties genuinely love each other but both come out hurt when it starts to unravel. I envy your position though because you still have each others’ shoulders to cry on. Hang in there, beautiful.
May 28, 2008 at 7:33 am
Will I know how you feel because my ex wife feels exactly the same way. She doesn’t understand why I can no longer fly off to Texas to be with her, her mom and my son for Christmas. Go off on a holiday with her. She never chose what happened. I tried hard (30+ years) to make our life together happen. It caused a great deal of emotional pain, but I felt that it was my fault in the first place so I had to put up with it. Will it’s just not true, it wasn’t my fault. The only fault there was was my not being honest. And you’re not the only one who asked questions. After awhile I felt like I was being questioned by the Gostepo. I didn’t (don’t) understand why my wiring was not the same as other guys, but it’s not. Jay, for however much you love him and however much he loves you (and that love is truly genuine) can’t be what he’s not. I don’t know if it’s better that it happened with you guys at 10 years instead of 30, I just know that it has happened.
There is going to be some pain (hell ok a lot of pain) but it’s not intentional. The first time you see him with a guy that he’s committed to, pain. The first time a holiday goes by without him, pain. You both can move forward or chose to stand there on the precipce (spelling). Moving forward is a lot healthier. If feel for you both, I really do.
May 28, 2008 at 9:40 am
Anginae,
You and Jay will come out of this well I am sure. You love each other so much and want the best for each other. I’m praying and hoping all the best for you and your family.
I just wonder if you are letting him go too easily. Don’t be so fast to step aside.
And who knows you may get your wish. I know there are guys out there that could handle sharing with an ex-wife.
But I don’t think either of you are there yet. So take it slowly. And talk it over carefully together the 2 of you before you start/continue down that path.
May 28, 2008 at 10:29 am
Anginae,
Just want you to know I’m praying for you… thanks for being honest and brave. You’re the best!
May 28, 2008 at 10:31 am
Just want to add that I really agree with John’s statements above.
May 29, 2008 at 2:58 am
[...] And there’s a baby girl to worry about and well my ex. Anginea mentioned a few things in her post that made me think, if my ex thinks that way I’m in some sorta big [...]
June 1, 2008 at 9:15 am
Anginae, I just wanted to say that I admire you a great deal. I admire the true love you have for Jay and I admire the honesty you have. I truly hope that you can find what you are looking for in your life to make you happy. Everyone deserves that happiness to touch them in their lives. I don’t know what the future holds for you both but the future may depend on you both separating as man and wife but still being the best of friends and still being there for each other in every way. I think you both have the right to experience passion and love in the way that you both want.
June 3, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Hey pretty girl! You still hanging in there? it looks like it. Haven’t made my way over to Jay’s blog yet but wanted to stop in and say hi. Trust me darling you will find love again. You will be surprised at how wonderful it is. Your going through a dark night right now but you and Jay are both strong and will weather this storm and come out stronger people for it. Hang tough baby!