Sorry it’s been so long. I’m just busy. Work, kids, school, sports, dance lessons, church, clubs. You know how it is.
I wasn’t sure if I would post about the following event or not. I’m glad I waited though because I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve been able to figure out my feelings.
Last week, I had lunch with Andei. If you don’t remember who Andei is, read this post. If you don’t want to read the post (it’s a much more graphic description of the type of relationship she and I had) then here’s the summary: she and I were best friends. We slept together……. a lot. I knew I wasn’t gay. I never thought about it. But since I’ve grown older and I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect, I now wonder if she was really a lesbian all along.
So, I had emailed Andei and asked her if she’d meet me for lunch sometime in the town where she now lives. It’s about an hour away from where I work. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I needed to talk with her. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but it was just a feeling I had. It was weeks before I ever heard back from her. Then she emailed me and said she’d love to have lunch and that she happened to be off last Tuesday. Well, Tuesdays are great for me because both of my kids are in school that day. But, as Tuesday grew closer, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. I figured she was just agreeing to see me to get me off her back.
On Monday night, she called the house wanting to know if I was coming. I couldn’t get to the phone because I was putting the kids to bed so Jay took a message. I hesitated to call her back. Jay talked me into it and we set up a meeting place for the next day.
We had a nice lunch. She looked the same as she did when I saw her three years ago. We talked about our jobs, kids, school, family, and old friends from high school and college. After a couple of hours, I told her I needed to ask her something and I hoped she wouldn’t get upset. She was curious. I asked her if she told her husband about our relationship before she married him. She thought for a moment then she said that she thinks she told him during their engagement counseling. (They are Catholic and it is required.) She said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they never really discussed it.
Why I cared to ask her this I do not know. Maybe I was hoping it would lead to further discussion. Maybe I wanted to know if she really did love me, and if I had hurt her all those years ago. She informed me that she had never told another soul because she didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.
I am glad I turned the topic of conversation towards our relationship. At first, we were simply old acquaintances, nearly strangers. But as the conversation took a more intimate tone, Andei changed. She would look into my eyes. I could feel a connection between us that I had not felt for nearly 15 years. I remembered loving her. I could tell she still loved me. I could see it, feel it, and sense it. She respected me enough to have held our secret close all these years. She didn’t deny the feelings we once shared like I thought she would.
Driving home, I had more questions after seeing her. I never remember feeling like I might be a lesbian when we were together. My dream had always been to get married and have children and be a mom and do PTA and all that stuff. And when I fell in love with Jay I wanted to spend my life with him – not Andei. But after seeing her I could tell that the feelings I once had for her were not completely gone which means that what I once felt for her was more than just my imagination.
I wish I could say that I think our sexuality is based on who we fall in love with. I have proof to support that: I slept with Andei because I was loved her. Jay sleeps with me because he loves me. Even though it goes against they way our brains are wired.
I’ve decided that I just don’t understand sexuality and the spectrum on which it can exist. I doubt that many people are 100% straight – never having had a feeling or thought or dream or idea about a person of the same sex. Is it too much to accept that people just fall in love? Most people wear blinders and are only looking for partners of the opposite sex. If we all just took those blinders off, maybe there would be no gay or straight. Just people loving people.
But then that doesn’t explain my husband who loves me very much wanting to sleep with a man does it? Or we could just call that curiosity.
7 Comments
September 4, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I believe sexuality is fluid. That means for whatever reason you’re attracted to different people(sexes) at different times in your lives. Your relationship with your friend satisfied the needs you had then. Your husband satisfies the needs you have now. People try to make it about sex, but it’s really not. It’s much deeper than that…
September 7, 2008 at 10:45 am
I love this blog! So fascinating and well written.
As for this post, I have been told by many people that they believe all people are intrinsically bisexual and can love people of both sexes. I, however, can honestly say that I have never had a sexual thought about a woman in my entire life. Sometimes it seems like gay people are the only ones that have an inflexible sexuality.
September 8, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Personally, I think a LOT more people are bisexual than admit to it… I think a lot of it is because culture and society program us from an early age to discount it. Look at kids today… “that’s gay!” is their insult for saying something is stupid, awkward, etc. I’m constantly trying to teach my kids NOT to say that, but it spews forth from their mouth constantly. I’m fighting an uphill battle because they’re immersed in it all day long at school. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s a challenge. And their answer is “Oh, I didn’t mean it that way – it’s just a saying.” And i’m trying to teach them that no, it’s not just a saying, it’s mean and hurtful to some people and just not right… but again, it’s an uphill battle. There’s such a stigma to it in our culture. But if people were honest and not peer-pressured into things, I think you’d find a lot more fluidity to things. I’ve read that < 10% of the population is gay (a pretty generally recognized statistic, from 5% to 10% depending upon the study), but (and this was a surprise to me), nearly 1/2 to 1/3 of all people are bi if you strip away things and get to reality… AND (the really surprising part), one study suggests 25% of all women are bi, and 33% of all men. I found that surprising because I would’ve thought women were more open to it, but it’s not the case. Now, interestingly, in “open” (i.e. swinger) communities, nearly all the women are bi and none of the men, if you believe what people say & project. The first part is explained because of the nature of the pool of subjects… 95% of the women are bi because bisexual women gravitate towards the open lifestyle more than straight women and/or are open to exploring the bi side… conservative straight women aren’t as likely to be swingers.
And the second part is explained by the fact that men lie! 
Again, because of the cultural stigma.
September 8, 2008 at 2:07 pm
BTW: I find this fascinating. I thought I said before you sounded open to homosexuality and you said definitely not, you were straight?
September 10, 2008 at 12:27 pm
@Inde: I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
@hookerboy: I love your blog too. I find your life very interesting indeed. I would agree with you that all people are a bit bi-sexual, but then that wouldn’t explain people like you who have never wanted the opposite sex.
@ Eric: I am open to homosexuality but I don’t think I’m gay. I feel straight. It goes back to Kenzie’s scale. I’m not a definite 6 or a definite 1 I guess. That’s fine with me. I wouldn’t take back my same-sex relationship. Did you read what Inde said?
September 11, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Yes, and I agree. But she even just hit on 1 dimension, and this is actually multi-dimensional. Not only are people fluid over time, but there are also a million shades of grey. You mentioned the Kinsey Scale… that’s exactly what I mean. Not only could you like a girl last year but a boy today, but you could also be “somewhere in between.” I think people ebb and flow over time… I’ve always enjoyed both sexes, but I think I enjoy men quite a bit more now than I did in the past, but I’ve ALWAYS enjoyed both… just to different degrees at different times.
September 11, 2008 at 2:33 pm
PS: I also think that people in general have a much greater propensity for homosexuality than they would realize. What I mean is that the more you accept it and broaden your horizons, the more acceptable it becomes. I started out way back as a child thinking homosexuality was “wrong” because that’s how society portrayed it… ‘gay’ has a negative connotation. Then we grow up and become more enlightened and accept it as some people’s perrogative. Then you’re curious and experiment… and it was good…
I found that eventually I worked into a place where I finally accepted I was bisexual, but of course I preferred women! Then it was like, well, maybe 80/20… then 70/30… and then I arrived at 60/40 and was there quite a while… and I separated sex from emotions… fooling around w/ guys was fun, but of course emotionally I’m all about women… and I could do sexual things, but I wasn’t into guys kissing… and then my wife started foolin’ with me with her strap-on… and that opened the whole anal front, and I realized that straight men have NO IDEA what an orgasm is! Damn, gay men have the most incredible insight into sex and orgasms and straight men have no f’ing clue!!! OMG. We have a G-Spot too, and most guys are too uptight to ever even realize it! So then I wanted the REAL thing… and the first time I sat on a man and slid him inside me and he made me come like no tomorrow, I was lip-locked to him like you wouldn’t believe! Hmmm. Guess I’m ok with the kissing thing now… anyway, this is getting way longer than I intended… 
But point is, not only is our sexuality fluid over time, but also I think people become more and more accepting as they experience more and more… I honestly believe that the most staunch anti-gay person in the world would have very different feelings on things if he has a massive 9.0 orgasm on the RICHTER scale from a nice long, thin cock up his ass! 