I read my last post. My god, it’s kind of depressing isn’t it? My. Well, sometimes I write well and that was a very accurate description of what I was feeling. And quite an accurate portrayal of the situation.
Now, don’t over-react to what I wrote. It sounds a bit dramatic to me. I will admit, I’m concerned at times about my desire for alcohol. Especially since I never drank before.
Does it feel better when I drink? Sometimes. Jay is not causing all of my pain. I have some spiritual issues and some family issues that I’m dealing with as well. If I drink I feel fun, happy, and woo-hoo.
I will stop. I realize that I need to. I realize that I have to. But, telling you all (even though you don’t really know me) helps me feel better. Otherwise I think I will explode with all of the thoughts and feelings bottled up inside me. I have no one to tell but you. I’m ashamed to tell my pastor. I’m ashamed to tell my mom. I’m ashamed to tell my best friend. They will all ask why.
It’s simple. I am not as strong as I thought I was. God is showing me that. He is trying to bring me to my knees to Him.
I’m not ready.
8 Comments
October 8, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Maybe that is the most normal thing in the world to do right now…..I say that…because I did the EXACT same thing.
I’m here for you.
pam
October 8, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I know where you are coming from. I know what it feels like to realise that you are drinking more than you should. You tell yourself that it helps numb you…tell yourself that it helps you sleep….i could go on and on. I wish you clarity and strength as you deal with this really hard situation. In many ways and in totally different circumstances, mentally I am EXACTLY where you are………..
You are not alone….hugs….
XOXO
October 9, 2008 at 8:41 am
I have been thinking about this post as well as the previous one. I have been trying to decide just how conservative your church is, but I’m not sure. The reason I wonder about it is because if your church is on the conservative side, you might not like the ideas I have. If that is the case, please disregard this.
Anginae, you are in the closet. It isn’t the same closet as Jay is in, but you are in a closet none the less. When you write about not being able to discuss the things you are keeping inside with anyone, that is a large part of what constructs a closet. The closet is not only about not being able to act on your feelings, but not being able to talk to people about them either.
I suspect you already know this.
I can’t really tell how much you are drinking. Maybe by my standards it isn’t all that much, maybe it is; never-the-less, you need to be able to talk to people about it. You need to be able to talk to someone — preferably several people — about what is consuming your life and sapping the value out of living. If you can’t talk to your friends, you should think about making some new ones.
Now I’m not saying you should get rid or your old friends: quite the contrary. Your oldest and best friends are the ones that people like to keep throughout their entire lives. Still, you need some new friends that it doesn’t seem to be such a risk to talk to them about all the problems you have bottled up inside you.
Quite frankly, I think you need a girl’s night out. Now I’m not talking about a night out on the town, drinking until you pass out in the street. What I am talking about is someplace you can go (like to a friends house) where you can drink if you want, redo your fingernail polish, play with all the new hair styles, talk about the undeniable fact that men are pigs, watch reruns of “Sex and the City”, and cry about how completely unfair the situation is that you find yourself in.
I don’t think you can continue on like you have been. While I, personally, don’t think there is anything wrong with drinking, drinking for the purpose of trying to find a little relief from the pain is a sure road to disaster. Granted, sometimes it is needed. Sometimes the being able to get away from the pain — even for a little while — is like a blessing. But If you never deal with the underlying pain, it will only get worse. It is a downward spiral that I think everyone should avoid.
I have my doubts that God is trying to get you to prostrate yourself before him by making Jay gay. I doubt God would see you as anything other than strong for being able to deal with a situation that the vast majority of people can’t fathom. I doubt that finding yourself in a situation akin to drowning, finding yourself shackled to an unliftable weight, and going down for the third time without anyone around to help you can be seen as a character flaw.
I will stop my sermon now. I have some very strong opinions on the sad state of churches in this day and age. It is a different subject than we are talking about here.
Anginae, you need help, friendship, and relief from some of the burdens you are trying to carry. If you can’t get that relief from your real life friends or your church, find a place where you can get it.
Incidentally, if you are still reading this, I believe that being able to describe what you did in your last entry just verifies the burden you are trying to carry. Maybe in the light of day you feel embarrassed by what you perceived as weakness the night before, but that won’t keep the ghosts from coming in the night to haunt you again.
October 9, 2008 at 8:56 am
Marisa is wise and should be listened to. Very good advice and if we lived a little closer I would force you out of your house for an evening to do just what she suggests. It is amazing what a manicure and pedicure with friends can do for a gal.
If you can’t talk to your mom, friends, church then maybe it’s time to find new ones. My guess is however that you can. You are a good soul and most likely have attracted to you as friends good people who might be surprised, and might very well not be surprised, to learn what you have to share. They will support you or they wont. If they don’t it’s kinda a deal breaker isn’t it? Then you know it is time to move on to other friends.
I agree that god is not trying to show you how weak you are. That makes little sense to me but then I am not a great believer. Shit happens to the best of us and some of us deal better than others. It’s no great mystery. You are in a closet, more so than Jay because you are wanting to protect him. It’s unfair. Good luck.
October 11, 2008 at 12:01 pm
marisa’s comment was so on target…i dont think god is trying to break you to your knees…on the contrary, perhaps he is trying to show you how strong you really are…why must god be seen as something that is testing us with a purpose to see us fall so that we become even more aware of our own human vulnerabilities?…
take a deep breath and see what you can do to follow marisa’s advice…or…you could do a girl’s night out “chat night” where you and some of the women you enjoy set up a time to chat (i’ve done that with other people for other purposes and it was a lot of fun! )…just a thought…
cg
October 11, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Hey there; I’m tagging you. Have fun! http://momochacha.wordpress.com/2008/10/12/tag-youre-it/
October 12, 2008 at 12:07 am
I never wanted to smoke before I started driving the school bus and got so stressed out (about the bus and other things in my life). Thankfully I haven’t succumbed to the nicodemon, although I do smoke an occasional cigar.
And you didn’t drink before life got so complicated. Be careful, Anginae. It is good that you recognize that this is becoming a problem.
I suspect you are stronger than you think. It’s just that what you think of as strength and weakness aren’t necessarily what they seem. This probably doesn’t make sense. Actually, it makes more sense in my head than it does as I type it out here. If it becomes more clear I’ll come back or send an email.
Keep talking about it. Tell us, that’s why we are here. It would be good if you had a local friend to talk to. Have you considered a counselor?
My sympathies, dear Anginae. ((((hugs))))
October 22, 2008 at 4:44 am
this is sthg new to me.
ive always known abt gay men getting married because of society..but in this case.. its because of love.
im gay myself but frankly im worried abt yr kids..
i hope everything works out in the end for the both of you.
x.