Well, it’s been a long time. I don’t know why exactly I’ve stayed away so long. Sure, I’ve been busy. But with my free time I’ve chosen to do other things rather than come here. I haven’t even been reading some of my favorite blogs. Not even Jay’s. But I just caught up with his.
First I feel like saying that the reason I started this blog was because I was looking for something like this myself about a year ago. I didn’t find a whole lot. It wasn’t hard to find some stuff about mixed-orientation marriages that ended right away or how the gay spouse had been suffering for so long in a hetero-marriage. But I wanted to read something about how the couple was really in love and didn’t want to divorce, etc.
People have judged us. Many order us to get a divorce right now. Although that probably makes sense to most of you, we love each other. Our lives are very much intertwined with each others. A divorce is not the best thing for our children. We do not sit around here an fight. Neither of us sit around here and mope because of our unhappiness. We live a wonderful life. We have sex. Great sex. A good amount of sex. I am sexually fulfilled. I know Jay is not completely for obvious reasons. But let me say he has NO PROBLEMS performing. And guess what? He initiates sex most of the time. Gross huh? A gay man coming on to a woman. Do you think possibly that love has a lot to do with desire and the ability to have sex with your partner? Not just your labled sexuality?
I read Jay’s statement that being gay is not the biggest part of him. A few people could not believe he said that. But why should it be? We are all made up of many threads woven together to make us who we are. Why should any one thread be bigger than another?
We are a family. Not a family in turmoil. Think of bigger problems we could have like poverty, terminal illness, alcoholism, abuse. We are happy, healthy, and blessed.
I know it is the tendency of many of you to generalize and think we are a “train wreck.” But none of you knows our entire situation. How can any of you know if divorce is best for us? And if that’s what we end up deciding to do, why is everyone else in such a hurry for that to happen? Financially it would be impossible for us to divorce unless we still lived right here in the same house. Now that doesn’t make much sense does it?
Say I’m weak. Maybe I am. Perhaps the reason I’ve stayed away so long is because I’m in denial. Reading all of this makes me have to think about things I really don’t want to think about. Maybe Jay feels obligated to stay. I’m sure that’s part of it. But I can certainly tell he’s not miserable.
6 Comments
December 22, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Don’t try to justify your situation — nobody deserves your justifications. Let me restate that to be more clear: you don’t owe anyone any explanations.
And for what it’s worth, I understand your point of view completely and you’re not wrong. So there! Let them stick that in their hats.
While “most people” may divorce or whatever, not everyone is “most people” and not every situation is entirely the same. So don’t listen to other people’s generalizations about THEIR own situation.
Happy Holidays. Enjoy them. With your husband and kids.
December 23, 2008 at 8:34 am
let me start off by saying i have read your blog for months now and have never really felt the need to comment until now.
to begin, fuck everyone else. the world is filled with far too many judgemental people who will instantly ridicule you and tell you what you should be doing. no one besides you can decide what is really the best way to handle your situation.
if i had to put money on it, i’d bet that the people telling you DIVORCE NOW! are probably far more miserable in their own lives than you are in yours and pervertedly enjoy the idea of you two divorcing so you’ll be as miserable as they are.
i think you and jay have a beautiful thing. only time will pave the road to help you both decide the best way to handle things. as long as your both happy in the mean time.. keep doing what you’re doing.
i wish you and your family the best of holidays. despite everything going on, i know you all have lots to be thankful for. god bless.
December 23, 2008 at 9:11 pm
I’ve missed your posts.
Your right, divorce does not answer our problems. I don’t know what does at this point. I want you but I also feel a need to finally be gay. Best thing to do I guess is to figure it out with you.
Lova you
December 31, 2008 at 6:45 am
Happy New Year to you and your family. Best wishes for 2009!
January 9, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Because we mostly don’t talk about sex and our sex lives and our sexuality much, we all have a tendency to assume that everyone else is just like us. Most married men who decide they are gay do divorce, and those people think they are like you and you are like them. But they are wrong.
You are not alone. There is no reason why you cannot stay together if that is what you both want. There is no law that says that a gay man cannot be happily married. In fact, many, many gay men are happily married.
January 10, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Hi Anginae,
I think your post and your site and what you are doing to stay together is all beautiful. I am a coach that helps mid-lifers to come out and most times that involves a divorce. I am impressed and awed by the resolve you both have in making your marriage work. It is a rare and wonderful thing.
Pat