I haven’t written in a few months. My life is busy. The only reason I’m writing now is because I’m hurt, confused, sad, worried. I don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.
Jay is my only real friend. I mean, I have some AMAZING friends. They love me. They’d do absolutely anything for me. They keep my secrets. They cherish my friendship. But there are some friends I just can’t tell everything. I can’t tell them I’m married to a gay man. I can’t tell them I’m damn near desperate for a solution to my hurt and problems. I can’t tell them I’ve really fucked up the last few months.
I’m not sure I want to spill it here – what has been going on that is. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of hearing such negative things right now that I couldn’t possibly deal with at this time. But I will tell you what it’s not:
It’s not my marriage to Jay. I love him more than ever. I’m happy with him. I’m encouraging him to try to meet someone he can be friends with. I totally support him and what he is and whatever decisions he needs to make to be the happiest he can in this life. So for all of you who think we should get divorced or hope we get divorced or whatever – too bad. So far that hasn’t presented itself as the right solution. And only the two of us can determine what will make us happy. I know I make him happy. And he knows he makes me happy.
I’ve made some big mistakes. I’ve become emotionally involved where I shouldn’t have. I’m not good at dealing with worry or stress or anything like that. I get depressed easily. I’m on antidepressants. My new one is Cymbalta. I love it and I can tell it’s better than what I was for the last 2 years. But my emotional strains have gotten harder over the last year as well. So I think the Cymbalta is having trouble keeping up.
I need a counselor. I know that. I admit it 100%. I don’t have the time or money.
I know Jay is worried about me. I’ve started drinking more than I should. I’m scared that I really don’t care.
More later. I miss some of you very much.
8 Comments
May 4, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I cannot say I have any new answers but I am married to a gay man and we are not getting divorced either. I want him to be happy and right now that is with me by his choice. If you need to talk to someone who is where you are at or has a clue about the situation – please email me. I too could use a friend who understands the situation and all the annoying advice that comes flying your way from every direction.
I did see a counselor – I did not have the money or the time but I made the time and did the best I could with the money. It was the best money ever spent – it kept me sane and made me feel I was not holding a huge secret all the time.
Laura
May 4, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Hey hon, I am worried for you too. I am not in the camp of people telling you to get a divorce, but you are not happy. I dont know what the answers are for you, but I hope you will find them. I really think you need to talk to someone. Really.
May 4, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I’m glad you wrote. Did it make you feel any better?
You’re in a particularly tricky situation, and I’m saying that without even knowing many of the details. But from what I do know, you are dealing with some ‘next level shit’ as Will Smith says. Most people would have some trouble with it.
I know Cymbalta. We’re good friends. Cymbalta helps me deal with my mess, too.
Send me an email if you’d like to. I’m willing to listen if you want to talk. And I don’t judge. I have learned that judgment isn’t my job.
Whatever you do, I wish you well. I wish you clarity in and through it all.
May 7, 2009 at 8:22 am
Don’t forget my e-mail address if you need to talk, or vent, or whatever.
I hope you find your way to happiness regardless of what that path may be.
May 8, 2009 at 1:51 am
Reaching out. If you want to type stuff out to a stranger, I’m no therapist, but I have handled a few of my own problems. OK a lot of problems.
I can promise you freedom to vent without having to deal with negative feedback.
Clear your head… save your heart.
May 8, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I am new to your blog and if my math is correct you are at 1-1/2 years of coping. And I think you are amazing and it gives me some perspective about myself – who I was and who I am now. Your love and friendship is so much like ours. I think my husband is my soulmate and he is my best friend and the best lover (and I have had many relationships before him and I think they were straight). I have had the very same thoughts, emotions and insecurities that you have had. As I read and nearly relive those moments, I can’t believe that my husband and I are still going strong after 6-1/2 years of his being out. I know the turmoil was there but as I reflect back, it seems like a speck in the greater scheme of things. Not insignificant, but not greater than our whole relationship. Our relationship faces what every “normal” “straight” relationship faces and then some. We both feel isolated at times without a way to express all that we have dealt with and still deal with.
Random facts about us:
He still wants to be loved by a man, and it’s not just about sex.
We practice fidelity but not monogomy.
I have experimented with my own sexuality.
I was sexually molested as a child by my mom’s boyfriend.
His first sexual experiences were with older male cousins and older sisters.
We are both submissive types (see previous 2 facts).
will keep checking your blog and hope to have some more insightful comments to offer in the future. take care of you
May 24, 2009 at 10:37 am
should i even comment? Anyway I do.
I have no idea what your problem is (beside the obvious ones) but I know drinking is not an option let alone a solution, hell you’re wiser than that.
Stop being so mean to yourself, J worries about you more than I can imagine, may be more than you do for him so you better sit down and talk instead of crazily worrying.
I know you know but you can talk to me whenever you like, if you like at all.
take care of yourself and PLEASE get some help, J may look/sound cheap but if you really truly want to look for soem help, he’ll be more than willing to find the money, you definitely know having no time is just a lame excuse.
take care of yourself
:-*
ps:it sorta feel weird/shy when i saw so many girls commenting *~*
June 22, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Hi, a reader from Malaysia here. Found this blog by the links and links I clicked through. I’m a counselling student, it’s rare for this to happen in Malaysia. I don’t think coming out as a married man will happen. Even though it does, it is scarce I can tell.
Anginae, you must have gone through a lot of dilemmas and internal conflicts, to get through this, is definitely uneasy. You may need to consider too many factors and adapt to the changes, physically, mentally, psychological and emtionally.
If you need a person to talk to, I can be your listener. Email me at freedom.gaydom@gmail.com.
All the best to you and seriously looking forward for your updates.