I didn’t think I cared so much about this blog. But I’m missing all of my “blogosphere” friends. I’ll be back soon but I just don’t have the time now. I’m too tempted by wordpress to neglect my other responsibilities to write here.
Love to ya!!!!!!!!
I’m done. I’m busy. I’m confused. I need some time. Check back. I plan to return. I will still read and comment to yours.
Sorry it’s been so long. I’m just busy. Work, kids, school, sports, dance lessons, church, clubs. You know how it is.
I wasn’t sure if I would post about the following event or not. I’m glad I waited though because I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve been able to figure out my feelings.
Last week, I had lunch with Andei. If you don’t remember who Andei is, read this post. If you don’t want to read the post (it’s a much more graphic description of the type of relationship she and I had) then here’s the summary: she and I were best friends. We slept together……. a lot. I knew I wasn’t gay. I never thought about it. But since I’ve grown older and I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect, I now wonder if she was really a lesbian all along.
So, I had emailed Andei and asked her if she’d meet me for lunch sometime in the town where she now lives. It’s about an hour away from where I work. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I needed to talk with her. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but it was just a feeling I had. It was weeks before I ever heard back from her. Then she emailed me and said she’d love to have lunch and that she happened to be off last Tuesday. Well, Tuesdays are great for me because both of my kids are in school that day. But, as Tuesday grew closer, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. I figured she was just agreeing to see me to get me off her back.
On Monday night, she called the house wanting to know if I was coming. I couldn’t get to the phone because I was putting the kids to bed so Jay took a message. I hesitated to call her back. Jay talked me into it and we set up a meeting place for the next day.
We had a nice lunch. She looked the same as she did when I saw her three years ago. We talked about our jobs, kids, school, family, and old friends from high school and college. After a couple of hours, I told her I needed to ask her something and I hoped she wouldn’t get upset. She was curious. I asked her if she told her husband about our relationship before she married him. She thought for a moment then she said that she thinks she told him during their engagement counseling. (They are Catholic and it is required.) She said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they never really discussed it.
Why I cared to ask her this I do not know. Maybe I was hoping it would lead to further discussion. Maybe I wanted to know if she really did love me, and if I had hurt her all those years ago. She informed me that she had never told another soul because she didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.
I am glad I turned the topic of conversation towards our relationship. At first, we were simply old acquaintances, nearly strangers. But as the conversation took a more intimate tone, Andei changed. She would look into my eyes. I could feel a connection between us that I had not felt for nearly 15 years. I remembered loving her. I could tell she still loved me. I could see it, feel it, and sense it. She respected me enough to have held our secret close all these years. She didn’t deny the feelings we once shared like I thought she would.
Driving home, I had more questions after seeing her. I never remember feeling like I might be a lesbian when we were together. My dream had always been to get married and have children and be a mom and do PTA and all that stuff. And when I fell in love with Jay I wanted to spend my life with him – not Andei. But after seeing her I could tell that the feelings I once had for her were not completely gone which means that what I once felt for her was more than just my imagination.
I wish I could say that I think our sexuality is based on who we fall in love with. I have proof to support that: I slept with Andei because I was loved her. Jay sleeps with me because he loves me. Even though it goes against they way our brains are wired.
I’ve decided that I just don’t understand sexuality and the spectrum on which it can exist. I doubt that many people are 100% straight – never having had a feeling or thought or dream or idea about a person of the same sex. Is it too much to accept that people just fall in love? Most people wear blinders and are only looking for partners of the opposite sex. If we all just took those blinders off, maybe there would be no gay or straight. Just people loving people.
But then that doesn’t explain my husband who loves me very much wanting to sleep with a man does it? Or we could just call that curiosity.
Recently, I’ve heard from a guy named Eric. If you are a regular reader you’ll see that he has commented several times on my blog and Jay’s. In fact, some of his comments are so well written and to-the-point I’m thinking he needs his own blog. I’ve chatted with him a bit on line as well. Great guy. He is married to a great girl and they have some offspring. So, here’s the deal: He is bi (but leans towards gay) and she is bi (but leans towards straight). He describes himself as “emotionally hetero, sexually homo.” I really like this.
For the last 10 months I’ve been looking for a label. Not only for myself, but for Jay as well. It’s hard to accept and believe the fact that your gay husband is really attracted to you and loves you. Honestly, it would be much easier to accept this situation if Jay had said that he has been pretending to enjoy sex with me all these years and that he has never been attracted to me at all. That, I could understand. (Don’t get me wrong – it would hurt like hell.) So maybe Jay is “emotionally hetero, sexually homo.”
I think we can learn a lot from Eric. And he’s very willing to share his advice and opinions and is never critical. He and his wife have learned how to manage a situation that I’m still trying to figure out.
If you read my previous post, you witnessed my whining and sulking about my unexpected jealousy when my husband tries to form relationships via the internet chatting sites with gay men. Sure, I agreed he should try to find a boyfriend. But now that he is actually attempting to do so, I’m not crazy about the idea. I love him so very much. I don’t want our life together to be all about what I want. I feel like the last 13 years of it have been even though I wasn’t aware of it. That’s simply not fair. But, I’m starting to realize that it might be damn near impossible to find a gay man who is willing to just be Jay’s boyfriend. Those more comfortable with their sexuality want a relationship, a partner, a husband. Something more serious than being second to me. But I don’t feel like I can be first to Jay anymore. Eric says it quite nicely:
First, there’s the issue of monogamy…… It really doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or bi or whatever — the average wife won’t be thrilled about her guy going off and having sex with someone else, period. It’s not a gay thing, but a monogamy thing… how many wives would be OK with their (straight) man going off and sleeping with other (straight) women……… this has nothing to do with gay or straight, it’s about fidelity in a marriage, jealousy and all sorts of other things. A woman wants to feel special, and like she can satisfy whatever your needs are.
This is a comment he made to Jay’s blog. He really seems to have it all figured out. I can tell that he is very considerate of his wife’s feeling and she of his. This makes me ask the question, is it OK to hurt your partner to fulfill your own sexual desires? I can’t think of anything to relate this to. It’s not like Jay smokes and I want him to quit because I hate it and smoking is bad for him. I don’t think homosexuality is bad and I don’t want him to quit. I just have to convince myself that what he is doing has nothing to do with me being inadequate. I’m trying to be strong. Should I hide my feelings? I don’t feel like I should because honesty means more in this relationship than it ever has.
It does not bother me to see Jay turned on by other guys. I enjoy watching him get turned on. I’m able to do it so maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me. I’ve told him that I want to watch him with another guy. He wont’ agree to it – at least not the first time he says.
…..my wife likes girls. I like guys. It’s hot to see her with another woman. She finds it hot to see me with another man.
See? I’m not that weird. Eric’s wife likes it too. Why wouldn’t you enjoy seeing the person you love get all hot and sexy? I’m afraid it might make me want to participate, however.
But I do have to keep an eye on what I do and say, and tone things down a notch or two, because I don’t want her to feel bad as if I don’t want her and just want someone else, because that’s not the issue either and Idon’t want to send the wrong message…
…we’ve also learned that “play mates” or “friends with benefits” works far better than “dating”. You can’t have a 3-way marriage. Even if it starts out good, it just does NOT work. I hope Anginae and Jay are reading this…“dating” per se is not going to work. Because the emotional bonds that form become problematic. Humans are wired for one-to-one relationships. You can’t be out with your boyfriend all the time or else Wife gets jealous and upset (rightfully so by the way) and misses you, etc. And it’s not fair to the boyfriend because he wants to spend time with you but you have family obligations… etc. and so forth. But just good friends that get together and play around and have sexual fun & experiences, but on the level of “good friends, and playmates” is what works… Then you’re both free to invest your emotional selves in each other as a married couple.
Is this true? I feel like it’s true. I feel like it’s what is happening in our relationship, even though there has been no dating as of yet. I want him 100% emotionally. I don’t want to share that. Sometime I’ve thought I could handle all of this better if he’d just promise not to kiss anyone else. “Just save the kissing for me.” I’ve said to him. He can’t do it. He can’t make that promise. Let him fuck whoever he wants. But save the kissing for me. Kissing can be more intimate than sex don’t you agree?
…when the 3 of you play together, then it’s about the couple and sharing experiences. If Jay goes off on a “date” and/or has sex alone, then it’s about him and someone else, and Anginae is GOING to feel hurt, jealous, angry….
This guy has me pegged doesn’t he? How can he know me better than I know myself? I mean, I guess I know these things really, he’s just making me think about them enough that it’s bringing it all to the surface.
So… I get to play, but it’s “from time to time” when the situation is right, and it’s a safe, sane situation/person, and it’s the 3 of us. I do not “date” guys or go out on my own or do hookups — in my opinion that’s no different than a straight guy dating other women — it’s a marriage and fidelity issue.
Can this ever happen with us? I don’t know. Jay acts like he’s in a hurry to find this special guy. I don’t blame him for that. He’s excited about the possibility of having a boyfriend because that feels natural to him. But it belittles the relationship that we have (in my eyes). I just try to remind him that it hasn’t even been a year since he came out to me and even less time since I’ve been able to accept the idea of what he wants and needs. I don’t think he realizes how very new all of this is to me. He’s known about it for quite some time. I need some time to let it really sink in.
So, if you are still reading this (sorry it’s been so long) let me reiterate that I love my husband. I love my life. I’m very happy with what Jay and I have built together. He loves me and it shows. He loves the children. He is a good husband and a good father. We’ve stayed married for all the right reasons. We love each other and want to be in each other’s lives forever. We just have to figure out how to be comfortable with who we are without making the other person uncomfortable. And Jay, if you get into one of your depressive moods after reading this and say you are swearing off men, blogging, and everything that makes you who you are, I will not only hurt you, I’ll delete my blog. I will never again make you fried chicken or a pie of any sort. I have a right to put my feelings into words. Let these readers help me.
And thank you Eric for being one terrific guy.
I hesitate to write this. Jay will read it and it will likely make him feel bad or guilty or something. But this is my blog. It’s about my feelings. And I have some stuff to get off my chest.
I’m jealous. My husband spends a lot of time chatting on line with a couple of guys. (No Nate, I’m not talking about you. I love you and you are so far away and married at that.) If I complain about it he always says he wasn’t chatting for that long. But I don’t think he realizes how long he is actually on the computer. Then he will say “Well you fell asleep on the sofa anyway.” I think he means that if I’m going to fall asleep he might as well do what he wants. Or if I’m asleep how do I know what he is doing. But, maybe I’m falling asleep because I don’t have anyone to talk to to watch a movie with or whatever.
We are both on our computers a lot. I admit that. I try to wait until the children are in bed because like all children, they want all of my attention while they are awake. So, how would you feel if your husband/spouse, partner was on their computer from about 8:30 pm until you went to sleep at 11 pm? I go to bed with him on his computer. The last thing I see before I fall asleep. Oh sure, there are bathroom breaks, snack breaks, unexpected breaks to take a call or shower. Last night I decided to go out on the porch for a glass of wine. It was nice and cool and the air smelled of rain. I didn’t say anything to Jay, who was chatting away with his newest on-line boyfriend. I could see him typing on his computer from the patio. After five minutes, he came out to join me. So, do I feel honored? No. I’m pessimistic. I think he came out to join me so he didn’t get chewed out for letting me drink alone. I think he’d rather sit inside and talk to a literal stranger about what they like to do on a date or how long it’s been since they’ve been with a guy.
Dammit, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t choose to live a lie. I’ve been honest for 13 years. And now, I’m forced into a situation I never could have imagined. He chose to go through with our marriage. And now I’m the one who is allowing him to break our vows in order to be happy. Why shouldn’t he be the one to give up what he wants?
Now I feel guilty for saying that. He gave up a possible relationship with the man of his dreams to be with me. But, he didn’t give up everything. He hasn’t been 100% straight for the last 13 years. He’s been chatting and looking at porn and being as gay as he can behind my back.
I really do want him to be happy. But cheating hurts – whether you know about it or not.
I was in the shower about half and hour ago. I thought I heard knocking on the bathroom door. But it could have been Jay in the kitchen since the kitchen and our master bathroom share a wall. I ignored the sound. Then I heard it again, louder. Clearly a knock. Jay was wanting in. A pleasant thought raced through my brain: “Is he wanting in the shower to play with me?” He was chatting on-line with some guy when I left him.
“Come in.” I said hopefully.
“I have to tell you this.” he said. Apparently he wasn’t wanting to join me after all. “You know that guy I’ve been chatting with? Well he knows Internet Guy!”
“Uh-uh.” I say. “How?”
“He’s his ex.”
OMG. I can’t believe this. You all remember that fuck-tard (he was given this name by one of our readers – sorry I didn’t come up with it myself because it fits him quite well) we refer to as Internet Guy? If not, read about him here or here. What are the chances?
“Well he’s out!” I say. “You have to forget him now.” There is no way Jay can date a guy who’s dated that Internet Idiot.
“Did they sleep together?” was my next question.
“Well they dated for 11 months so I’m sure they did.”
“How do you know that?” I say. “People can date without having sex.” No, I’m not really that naive. Just hoping that all gay guys aren’t just looking for a hook-up.
“Do you really think Internet Guy would waste his time on someone who won’t have sex with him?” Jay asks me.
I realize he is right. But the more Jay chats with him the more he finds out how much the guy loathes his ex. Apparently he also thinks Internet Guy was a jerk.
My conclusion: gay men in their early 20s who live in Oklahoma and major in English are not my ideal of a good partner for Jay.
Part 1: I put my stamp of approval on this adventure my husband is going on. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. And it isn’t. If I were to say I’m not jealous I’d be lying terribly. I am. I don’t want to be. But imagine this: your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other is sitting on the same sofa as you. You are madly in love. But you know what he/she is doing? Looking for a date. Talking to singles who are also looking for dates. I can’t do much of anything to pull Jay away from his computer when he is talking to some guy. And the worst part is, no matter how cute or sexy I try to look, it’s just not very effective when the man is GAY! He’s had me before – he wants something new on the menu.
Part 2: Jay’s dad came over yesterday to see the kids. I invited him. The guy is a real jerk. I’ve been nagging Jay to email his dad to invite him to see the kids for weeks. But we get busy, and Jay doesn’t want to be here when his dad comes by, or honestly we just really don’t want to see him. (Jay’s and his dad had a falling out that actually, was long over-due. He’s been a real jerk for most of Jay’s life.) But I think the kids need to see him. They are too young to understand what is going on and he is their grandfather. Here’s the problem: I care too much about what he thinks of me. He told Jay months ago that he did not want a relationship with me because he doesn’t like the way I treat Jay. (He totally pulled this out of his ass. He and his wife can be quite malicious if they find the need. They’ve always made up stuff to support their agenda.) This is a total load of shit. First of all, he doesn’t know us well enough to know how our relationship works, and second of all, I’m still here after the dream life was ripped from my little paws months ago. He has no right to say that. He’s never seen us argue. He honestly has no basis for his statement. And, if he didn’t like me why has he never said anything about how awful I am before now? So I’m irritated that he came over. He ignores me. I ignore him. If he doesn’t want a relationship with me than I’m sure that includes conversation. But as he leaves, he says to my son “Tell your daddy hi and I love him.” WTF????? What does this mean? He screwed up and now his one and only biological son never wants to speak to him again. He and his wife blame all of this on me. They can’t believe that Jay has enough balls to stand up for himself and quit taking their shit. Why? Because Jay’s dad has done everything his wife has ever ordered him to do since the day he married her. That includes dissolving his own relationship with his father and the rest of the family and putting her kids on a pedestal that Jay was only allowed to sit under.
Why he was here, I stayed away. I listened to the conversation he had with the children. I hear him say things like “Grammy says to tell you she loves you and she really really misses you.” I wanted to say “Then where is she?” You see, she didn’t come to our house to see the kids before all of this happened. She never hugged or loved on my children at family functions. She was always quick to criticize in her not-so-obvious way. Guess what my daughter said? “Who’s Grammy?” I nearly died! Way to go little girl! Exactly my sentiments. Where has she been? She has her own biological grandchildren and she doesn’t care about mine.
So what do I do? We have to live in this town – remember it’s small – where we are sure to run into them. We attend the same church as Jay’s step-sister and her children. Our own nieces look terrified if we come anywhere near them. I have no doubt my step-mother-in-law has filled their heads with lies about us. She told Jay some of the most horrible things about his own mother when he was just 8 years old and continued dong it throughout his childhood. I guess we have to figure out how to maintain a relationship with Jay’s dad enough for the children to be able to see him.
This song has nothing to do with a mixed-orientation marriage I’m sure. But they lyrics apply to me and the situation I’m in. The song is by a band called Concrete Blonde. I always loved the song. Watch the video.
Joey, baby, don’t get crazy.
Detours, fences – I get defensive.
I know you’ve heard it all before. So I don’t say it anymore.
I just stand by and let you fight your secret war.
And though I used to wonder why I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside.
Oh, Joey if you’re hurtin’ so am I.
Joey, honey, I’ve got the money.
All is forgiven. Listen, listen.
And though I seem to be confused, I didn’t mean to be with you.
And when you say I scared you well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before. And I don’t wanna close the door.
And if you’re somewhere out there passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey I’m not angry anymore.
And though I seem to be confused, I didn’t mean to be with you.
But when you say I scared you well I guess you scared me too.
But if it’s love you’re lookin’ for then I can give a little more.
And if you’re somewhere drunk and passed out on the floor.
Oh, Joey I’m not angry anymore.
Yeah I feel guilty about it. But I said it OK? It just sort of popped out of my mouth. I’ve been through a lot the last couple of weeks. I’m tired and I don’t feel great. I’m ready for my six week recovery period to be over. And lots of little things are just getting to me. Jay has been great really. He’s working hard keeping up the house as best as he can and knows how. It just feels like we haven’t had as much time together. The time we’d usually spend together has been occupied by me sleeping or him doing chores. He chats a lot on line. I want him to have his friends. Especially friends he can be gay with. I think it helps him to not have to pretend he’s straight all the time. Even if it’s with people on line. But I can’t lie and say I’m not jealous of the time he spends on line. I honestly don’t care – but I’m honestly jealous. It makes it much easier though that I absolutely adore the man he’s chatting with. He’s a treasure – a great dad and husband. And he’s been more than a great friend to Jay. I know Jay has thought about meeting him. I’d love to meet him myself. Although I don’t see that happening in the near future. Neither party is comfortable with that. There is a lot to be said for anonymity. But you can also get to know people pretty well on line.
I guess what bothers me is that no matter how much I love him or care about him I just can never understand what it is like to be gay. He has to go to someone else who can understand. Even though I try very hard, I just can’t comprehend the struggle of trying to change your sexuality. I know there may be some people reading this who think Jay made a big mistake. You may think that he is a coward for denying himself the life he desires to live. But even if you are a gay man who has always been comfortable with your sexuality and have been strong enough to be a gay man in a mostly straight world, I can’t imagine it’s always been easy for you.
I want to be everything to my husband. And I can’t. There is nothing in this world that I can do to be able to fulfill his every need and desire. Nothing. Can you imagine how incredibly disappointing that is? It’s only because I love him so much that I want to be the one to make him happy. I am willing to let someone else into our life so Jay can be himself when he needs to. I’m willing to love this person as well.
So what I meant when I said I was tired of him being gay really had nothing to do with him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m tired of knowing I can’t be all that I want to. I’m tired of having to share him with himself. Does that make sense?
I just feel like the most un-sexual being on earth right now. This is kind of a big deal to me since I happen to enjoy sex a lot and participate in it 3-4 times a week. After having a hysterectomy the rule is nothing in the vagina for six weeks. Now believe me, I plan on participating in non-vaginal sex before my six weeks are up but I’m just not ready yet.
So Jay and I had gotten into a little habit we like to call “Tuesday Mornings.” We are both up on Tuesday mornings early enough since I also work on Tuesdays. So, we have sex real quick basically before he walks out the door. It takes no longer than 5-6 minutes but it’s actually a great way to start the day. We’re both freshly showered and groomed and Jay is already dressed which is kind of a turn-on for me. My hysterectomy was on Tuesday last week. You bet we had our “Tuesday Morning” that day at about 6 a.m. before leaving for the hospital. I knew we wouldn’t be having sex for six weeks so there was no way I was passing it up. Jay was more than happy to oblige. But this Tuesday, our actual 13th anniversary, there was no sex. I missed it. I mentioned it to Jay just to see him smile, but we both knew there was no way anything sexual was going to happen.
I haven’t asked Jay what he has to think about to be able to orgasm that quickly. I imagine it’s some 22 year old well-hung grad student but I try not to think about that. I’m enjoying it so big deal. I can’t orgasm that quickly unfortunately but it’s still satisfying to me. I’m on a shitty antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication that I’ve been on for awhile and it has sexual side-effects and one of those is that it takes me like 20 minutes to get there (not all the time but most of the time). I’ll probably last about five minutes in about four weeks when I get to have intercourse again.
Back to my un-sexuality. I walk in the living room after a shower tonight, pulling a T-shirt over my naked breasts and I say “At least my breasts are still here.” Jay barely looked up from his laptop. (He’s always enjoyed my breasts very much – odd for a gay man maybe but now that I say that I remember Jack from Will and Grace was a real breast-man too.) This made me feel great. I just finished washing my stitched up gut and examining my bruises so I already felt good about myself. Jay and I always sleep in bed together. I like to be able to touch him in the night and hold his hand. I’ve slept on the couch a lot since coming home from the hospital for comfort reasons and Jay sleeps on the couch that is right next to me. But, we can’t reach each other so I feel lonely. I think that not being able to be intimate with Jay has made me feel excluded from his life. Things have been busy because he is working and has to come home and take care of the stuff that I can’t do right now. He is still chatting with his on-line friend which is fine with me but normally when he is done I get to lie close to him and even get a good fuck now and then so we re-connect. So, I’m jealous. He loves his chats with Nate (and I love Nate) so I don’t want him to put those on hold just because I’m moping. But I just miss the intimacy I have grown accustomed to. Especially Tuesday mornings.
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