About a month ago, I informed my parents that Jay and I would be getting a divorce. Let’s just say – they didn’t take it well. I didn’t tell them that Jay is gay. I just told them it was amicable. Since then, I have endured their comments, accusations, and their shame due to their assumption that the end of my marriage was my fault. It hurt. Really bad at times. I didn’t admit how bad to anyone. But, I was protecting Jay. Even though I don’t love him the way I thought I did (I’ll explain in a moment) I do love him. He’s part of me. He always will be. He’s the father of the children I adore. He’s been with me through everything I’ve been through and a few of those times were very hard. He stayed here through his coming-out process while he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do. He didn’t just up and leave me alone like he could have. And he wouldn’t ask me for a divorce even to this day if I hadn’t asked for one first.
A couple of good friends convinced me that I couldn’t endure my parents torture anymore. Jay never asked me to protect him. He was tired of watching me hurt and said one time, “Just tell them you married a fag and get it over with!” I still refused. But, after careful consideration I decided that outing my soon-to-be ex-husband couldn’t make things any worse. So this morning, I grew some balls and drove the 30 miles to my parents’ home to spill my guts.
They were shocked. They apologized. They didn’t ask many questions but I’m sure they will once they have time to think about things. They said they don’t understand but they want me to be happy. They want Jay to be happy. The situation went much better than I had anticipated. I apologized for not trusting them enough to tell them the information in the first place. They were saddened by the fact that I have been going through this alone for two years. But what I wanted to tell them was that I haven’t been alone. I wanted to tell them that for the last six months I have been seeing the most amazing man who I’m terribly in love with. That he has changed my life. That I have been unfaithful to my gay husband and I’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with this man. That I’m planning a future with him. And that I’m learning what it feels like to really be in love.
Make no mistake about this – my love for Jay is genuine. I know that. And I know it will never end. But looking back on our relationship, I now recognize that my love for him is not and perhaps never was romantic love. I wanted him. I desired him. But, it seems like there was always something missing.
That missing ingredient was passion. We never had passion. We had love, mutual respect, commitment, and friendship. But, I never knew we were lacking passion. I now think that passion is created by desire. He never desired me. He loved me and that love was enough for him to be able to make love to me, make me happy, make me feel good. But, words can’t explain the difference in sex when there is no passion, and sex when there is tons of passion.
So, I’ve found what I’ve been missing. I’ve fallen in love -quite possibly – for the first time in my life. I know God put me and Jay together for a purpose. We have two amazing kids. We’ve had an amazing, happy life together that is not ending – just changing. I think I’m here to help him travel this difficult road he’s started walking down. But, I’ve fallen in love with a man that I feel I was made for. My heart belongs to him. I want to spend the rest of my life making him happy. I want him to take care of me. I can’t live without him. I don’t want to.
What’s amazing to me is that at the age of 34, I’m just now having these feelings about a man. I didn’t feel like this with Jay. My relationship with Jay was always comfortable. We were friends. Friends who loved each other. Who still love each other. Things came easy.
So my days are spent daydreaming about another man. My nights are filled with desire to be lying next to him. My heart feels like it’s exploding with love for him. When I see him, I can’t wait to touch him. I can’t wait to have my lips on his. When I sleep in his bed, I feel safe and at home. I miss him as soon as we part. I adore him. I watch him sleep – thanking God for putting him into my life. Believing with heart and soul that we were made for each other and it just took us so long to find one another.
I wouldn’t change my past, and neither would he. Because we both have wonderful kids that we live for. But I’m very excited about my future with him. Looking forward to loving him and his children with all my heart. Looking forward to everything that comes along with building a life together – from the boring, mundane, and ordinary tasks to the fun and exciting and intimate times we are sure to share. I love him. It sounds so simple. But it means the world. It means the entire world.