From the archives…1/15/2008 The day I found out.

The day my husband told me he was gay will of course be burned into my mind forever.  I’ve been meaning to write a bit about it.  It was a Sunday evening.  The children were asleep and I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband.  I got out of the shower and he was watching a football game.  We were talking about normal stuff.  He suddenly muted the TV and said he needed to talk to me about something.  I think I said “Oh great!”  assuming this would be something regarding his father (a jerk) because the stressful conversations in our house always revolve around him.  He put his head in his hands and just kept repeating “I don’t know how to tell you this” over and over.  I swear the first thing that went through my mind was that he was ill with cancer or something.  Then he said “I’ve been hiding something from you for a while” and I immediately thought he had cheated on me during one of his business trips.  I even asked him if he cheated on me.  He said “Not exactly.”  I will get into later what “not exactly” means.  Then he said “Anginae, I’m gay.”  Tears in his eyes, voice trembling, weak as a baby bird, I did not believe him.  I said “No you aren’t.”  I was thinking he had maybe convinced himself that he was gay.  A thousand intimate and erotic moments spent with this man came flooding into my head.  All of the times he initiated sex with me, the times he practically begged for it were vivid memories.  The things I enjoy doing to him, for him – all vivid pictures.  He knew I wouldn’t believe him.  So he admitted he’d been looking at gay porn on the internet for some time and then admitted he’d been chatting with a man on-line about “personal” things.  Then I was convinced.  I asked him “Then why did you marry me?”  His reply, “Because I love you.”  And he does.  That’s really all that matters isn’t it?  Love.  Not gender, not race, not age.  Just love.  Why should anyone care who another person falls in love with.  My husband is gay.  Feelings he has had since the age of 4 or 5 years old.  But he fell in love with a woman.  So who cares?  This is proof to me that people just fall in love with people.  There is no choice in this matter.  Love is powerful enough to bring a gay man to his knees and cause him to go against his natural instincts – who he is inside – his innermost being and identity – and marry a woman.

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