From the archives… 1/17/2008 I thought I might die

My previous entry was on the “coming out” of my husband.  Well, needless to say it was difficult to sleep that night.  For both of us.  But what I did not know was that he’d been having trouble sleeping for a week or more because he had come to the conclusion that he could live his lie no longer.  The initial shock of finding out my husband is gay was like being hit in the head with a brick.  The first thing I did was thank God for the children that were produced by this marriage.  Then I probably had at least a thousand questions that he was going to answer.  I’ve never cried so hard in my life.  I really thought that I had to be dreaming.  It was about 1 a.m. when every question I could think of (at the moment – there were more to come) had been asked.  My eyes were swollen, my head ached, and I was numb.  Seriously, I was numb.  People say that and you don’t really know what they mean but when it happens to you, you know.  I just could not get to sleep.  I had trouble breathing.  I had cried so much and physically my body felt so bad from sobbing my heart out, I truly thought I might die.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so terrible in my life.  You all need to understand that it wasn’t because I have a problem with homosexuality.  I had a problem finding out that my “perfect” life was not perfect at all.  Believing something for 16 years and suddenly finding out that it is not true takes some time to get used to.  I felt like my life was ripped away from me.  I guess in a way it was.  The life that I had always known and planned and believed in was ripped away from me.  I thought things could not get any worse.  But my husband’s story had just begun to unfold.

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