Can you answer this?

The title of this blog “Is there a word for people like me?” is a serious question that I’ve asked myself and my husband. I grew up in a conservative family in a conservative state. I was never taught to be open and accepting of homosexuals so I don’t know how I developed this view point. Here is my history: I had a same-sex relationship as a teenager. Another guy that I almost went out with and was very good friends with in high school is openly gay and has been in the same relationship for 10 years, and now, I find out I’m married to a gay man. The woman I had a relationship with as a teenager is married as well, but I have often wondered if she is really a lesbian. She has two former boyfriends who are openly gay. So…….is there a word for people who seem to attract homosexuals – people who form wonderful relationships with them before knowing they are gay, and possibly before they have ever come out? Like Elaine on Seinfeld who was a woman that Jewish men were attracted to – wasn’t the term for her “mishka” or something like that? I’m thankful that I developed the point of view that I have. Otherwise, I would have missed out on some very good friendships and a wonderful marriage. If anyone knows of a word for people like me, let me know. I may have it tattooed on my back. I have such interesting stories to tell. I hope you’ll read them and give me some advice!

6 responses to “Can you answer this?

  1. Todd Ehlers

    From what I gather of your writing, I’d just call you “lucky.”

    But I will give serious thought to some term for the personality type that you seem to define.

  2. Eric

    My wife and I are in much the same situation as you and Jay…

    I recently read a post elsewhere by a therapist who said that women who suspect their husbands might be attracted to men are not victims – they do it knowingly, and for a reason, albeit subconsciously… usually the reasons are one or more of:
    1. They have issues about their own sexuality
    2. They prefer a relationship that’s a little more distant (emotionally)
    3. They are a dominant personality and it serves them well to be in a relationship where they’re more dominant versus a traditionally domininant uber masculine male.

    Now, don’t get me wrong — none of this is evil or necessarily consciously schemed, and I don’t mean it to sound that way! πŸ™‚ I’m talking about deep, hidden, subconscious “needs”…

    I don’t know if you’re a dominant type, but I can tell you that my wife likes girls and has had relationships with women too. She’s openly bi. For her, however, she’s bi with a strong leaning towards hetero whereas I’m bi with a strong leanings towards homo.

    She is dominant. We’re both “Type A” personalities, so that can be challenging at times. In business and around the house, I can be dominant. In bed I am a bottom who prefers to be submissive. It’s not all one way or the other, but I think there’s some subconsious yin-yang going on there… we both alternate between dominant and submissive, back and forth, so it sort of works out. I think that was part of her attraction too — some give and take versus a macho man who’s always gotta be in control.

    And she’s not as cuddly as some of the girls I’ve dated in the past, by far… she has her moments and she likes that, but she’s definitely OK with being more independent, etc.

    So, I do think people are drawn together for reasons. I think her and I were drawn together because she wants to be w/ a man and I want to be w/ a woman (emotionally, and relationship-wise) but we find some safe harbor in the fact that we’re both bi so we’re both on the same page and non-judgmental, and we can each “have our cake and eat it too.” (We engage in trysts with a 3rd from time to time – 2 women or 2 men…) We’ve tried various combinations of swinging, etc. and found that couples generally don’t work out unless there’s the strong homosexual bent to the other couple too and we get a M/M and F/F pair up… but regular swaps aren’t our thing (“traditional” swinging…) because for us it’s about homosexuality and exploring that side, not about other mates — I don’t want another woman and she doesn’t want another man… it’s the M/M and F/F thing that we can’t give each other…

    There have been stories too of the guys who thought they were gay, went through divorce, etc. and then just ended up missing their wives, masturbating over thoughts of her, crying in lonliness…

    We’re trying to find our way together, be here emotionally for each other, and then be able to have that M/M and F/F experiences to satisfy the cravings… πŸ™‚ You’ve just gotta be careful that you both know where the priorities lie too… we’ve had the 3rd try to get clingy with one or the other (we’ve had it happen both ways — a guy who tried to worm in with my wife and cut me out of the picture, and a guy who tried to get me to be w/ him exclusively and cut my wife out). And neither of those situations are what either of us want… so there are “predators” and pushy people out there. What works for us is knowing what we want, knowing that we (each other) come first and foremost, and then building an ongoing friendship “…with benefits” with just one or two people with whom we can satisfy those primal urges, yet with whom we’re “friends” but aren’t interested in crossing the line to more…

    It’s not easy. But it can work. Sounds like you’re not the straight “June Cleaver” type who is just mortified and will run away… sounds like you have your own interests and histories and thus are sympathetic and understanding… like my wife… (by the way… she used to say that she admits she likes girls, but that it was a double standard because F/F was OK to her but she was grossed out by the thought of two men together… but she was willing to keep an open mind and try it because she knew it was obviously a double standard… and then when she experienced it she liked it and thought it was erotic… so just something to keep in mind too, if you haven’t gone there yet…) πŸ™‚

    Anyway… What do I call you???

    A bisexual woman with a bisexual husband.

    He’ll call himself gay because he’s pretty much at that “one woman short of gay” stage… but sexuality is a continuum, not an “either, or” thing. Think Kinsey Scale… So he’s a 5 and your a 2. But you’re not a 1 and he’s not a 6, so long as you’re together and such too… πŸ™‚

    Life’s too short… don’t hold back. Indulge. Enjoy. Just be safe and look out for each other.

    Eric

  3. Anginae, I think there are more people like you than you know. Shades of gay is not a topic that most people are comfortable with, unfortunately, because I think there are a lot of unhappy people out there who are so afraid of being a little bit gay.

    Eric has some wonderful advice here for you, and so have some other readers. I think the main point is that you and your husband are perfectly normal.

    It is a shame that society keeps you so closeted over this situation, that you can’t even talk to your best friend about it. This blog must be a great release for you, and a healthy dose of therapeutic introspection never hurt anyone.

    I am an in-the-closet bisexual that only recently realized and accepted my sexuality. I have been bloggingabout it too, and it has really helped me sort through my feelings. Reading related blogs helps too, so thanks for sharing with such insightful posts. Stay strong!

  4. Eric

    Wow. “Shades of gay”. Great phrase. Can I steal it and use it? πŸ™‚

    It really does summarize well.

    We all feel such a strong need to “label” ourselves, huh? Sometimes there’s no real label. I’m bisexual, not really gay, but yet I am not as comfortable with that — it leaves me with an unresolved feeling. I’d rather just be gay. But I like women too… urgh. I have to learn to accept that there’ll never be a final resolution I guess. I like your “Shades of gay”. Great way to nailing it.

  5. it is actually amazing that with all of the labels in society there isn’t one for us – i like “shades of gay,” but we need a noun, don’t you think?

  6. tsbicouple

    wow! I have so much to say; I may have to start my own blog. I have not read through all of the blogs by you and your husband but I immediately recognize and know the general storyline. I just wish I had found this outlet years ago.

    My husband and I have been, for the most part, happily married for 11 years and have 2 children. He proclaimed his sexual orientation (bisexual) to me after 2 years of dating and 4-1/2 years of being married with our youngest still in diapers. I can not gather up all the emotions and insecurities that I had at the time, but my main concern was what did it mean would happen to me, to us, to our family. I had heard the ending to this scandalous story many times before: bitter divorce.

    But not us. For the last 7 years we have tried to be completely honest and open with each other. We talked about fantasies and realities. We tried different sexual experiences – some together, some not together, some together with others, some successful, some stressful. We are still trying new things (I just got a new “strap on” – the feeldo). We laugh at ourselves alot. We don’t take everything personally. We encourage and support each other in all things. And sometimes we cry (usually about something like how fast the kids are growing up). We are truly experiencing and sharing life together with perhaps unconditional love. It’s imperfect and yet somehow we are comforted. We are still best friends, partners, and much better lovers. Our biggest challenge has been finding support from family or others like us; open minded with love and acceptance.

    I can’t say that the choices we have made is for anyone other than ourselves. No matter what decisions you two make for yourselves, I wish you and your family much love and happiness.

    to eric: i love your positive outlook and find myself seeking out your posted comments. do you have your own blog? you and your wife seem much like myself and my husband – it is comforting and reassuring that others are making a journey similar to ours.

    “…Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.” For the soul walks upon all paths…” – kahlil gibran

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