Tag Archives: gay

Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?



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Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.

You were wrong.

Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.

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* No perfume allowed.  He doesn’t want his wife to smell you.

*  No hickeys, scratches, or fingernail marks.  (Not that I would do this anyway but let’s just make sure it’s understood.)

*  This relationship is on his terms.  He is hiding you from his wife, so you have to follow his rules.

*  No calling, texting, IM during hours in which he might be at home with his family.  It is hard to explain at times why the Blackberry keeps beeping.

*  If you are together in public, don’t act like you are any more than an acquaintance or business associate.  Don’t expect anything that resembles affection from him.  Even though you have done the most unimaginable things together in bed, don’t expect even a second glance if others are around.

* Never, ever, say anything bad about his wife.  Even when he confides in you the way he feels when she criticizes him, the way their marriage has become more like a business, the way she shuns him when he approaches her for sex, you are not allowed to make any comments.  Just listen.

*  Be sexy all the time.  Exaggerate every move you make in bed.  Act like a porn star.

*Most importantly –   don’t fall in love with him.  You know – he has a family and no matter how hard it gets at home, he’s not leaving.

But, I did fall in love.  I didn’t plan on it.  It just happened.  I’ve followed all the rules.  And I never, ever, wanted to fall in love.  Especially with a married man.  But, he said it first.  Said he was falling in love with me.  Remembers the look in my eyes when he told me.

How could I not fall in love with the first straight man I’ve ever slept with?  Sleeping with him only 4 days after we met made me feel like a slut.  But I didn’t care.  I had to know what sex with a man-man was like.  Sex with my gay husband was great, but I wasn’t satisfied with that.

Seriously, all I wanted was sex.  That’s all he wanted as well.  It was part of the terms of our agreement.  However, he started to like me.  Started asking questions about my personal life – not just what I wanted to do in bed.  Started talking about his kids, his family, his career.  Showed me his sense of humor.  Showed me his sensitive side.  Told me I was an amazing woman.  A great person.  The best lover he’s ever had.  Noticed things about my body that J never had.  Pointed out beautiful parts of me that I didn’t know I had.  Made me feel good about myself.

He loved me first.  And the more time I spent with him, the more I realized I was growing to love him.  Now he says he can see it in my eyes when I look at him.  He knows I love him and he’s confident of that fact.  Never doubts it.  Wants to meet my kids.  Would love for me to meet his (I refuse).

So, at the end of the day, I only get to dream about being beside him when I wake up in the morning.  I only get to dream about taking care of him.  I only get to wonder what it must be like to welcome him home every night.  Because he’s fulfilling the commitment he made to his family.  And ironically, that’s the reason I love him the most.

It’s not fair that I never get what I want.


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Glittery Lipstick

I went to a gay bar this weekend.  Great fun!  Had my breasts (which are very nice I must say) kissed by a drag queen.  Each one.  Glittery lipstick.


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Justify Me

Even though I have always been happy with our sex life and I’ve felt satisfied and fulfilled, finding out that Jay is gay has made me wonder if sex with a straight man would be any different.

As you’ve read here, Jay is very good at making love to me.  It’s not at all like some of you might imagine.  A gay man trying to figure out a woman’s body.  Having to imagine some great piece of dick to be able to tolerate the situation.  I can tell, when we are intimate, that Jay is there with me.  He’s attentive and caring.  He is interested in what I want and need.  He enjoys being with me.

That said, I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out because I’m sleeping with a gay man.  But, if I have to be honest, I will say that I wonder if sleeping with a straight man would be any different.  Sex is good – very good.  But can it get any better?  And do I really care if it can?

I can understand Jay’s need to be with a man.  A man who wants men, desires men, loves men.  He needs to know that a man can love him, make love to him, fuck him, and think he is attractive.  This makes sense.  So why wouldn’t it make sense for me as well?

I’m getting all of those things from Jay.  But does it mean as much?  This is a question I am trying to answer for myself.  I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time now.  I married young.  I never had another man tell me he wanted me or desired me.  I’ve never been with another man other than Jay.  How do you think this makes me feel?  As a woman, it makes me feel kind of like shit.

Jay says I just never noticed other men because I was married and I wasn’t looking.

I think it’s time for me to feel justified.


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Miss me?

Well, it’s been a long time.  I don’t know why exactly I’ve stayed away so long.  Sure, I’ve been busy.  But with my free time I’ve chosen to do other things rather than come here.  I haven’t even been reading some of my favorite blogs.  Not even Jay’s.  But I just caught up with his.

First I feel like saying that the reason I started this blog was because I was looking for something like this myself about a year ago.  I didn’t find a whole lot.  It wasn’t hard to find some stuff about mixed-orientation marriages that ended right away or how the gay spouse had been suffering for so long in a hetero-marriage.  But I wanted to read something about how the couple was really in love and didn’t want to divorce, etc.

People have judged us.  Many order us to get a divorce right now.  Although that probably makes sense to most of you, we love each other.  Our lives are very much intertwined with each others.  A divorce is not the best thing for our children.  We do not sit around here an fight.  Neither of us sit around here and mope because of our unhappiness.  We live a wonderful life.  We have sex.  Great sex.  A good amount of sex.  I am sexually fulfilled.  I know Jay is not completely for obvious reasons.  But let me say he has NO PROBLEMS performing.  And guess what?  He initiates sex most of the time.  Gross huh?  A gay man coming on to a woman.  Do you think possibly that love has a lot to do with desire and the ability to have sex with your partner?  Not just your labled sexuality?

I read Jay’s statement that being gay is not the biggest part of him.  A few people could not believe he said that.  But why should it be?  We are all made up of many threads woven together to make us who we are.  Why should any one thread be bigger than another?

We are a family.  Not a family in turmoil.  Think of bigger problems we could have like poverty, terminal illness, alcoholism, abuse.  We are happy, healthy, and blessed.

I know it is the tendency of many of you to generalize and think we are a “train wreck.”  But none of you knows our entire situation.  How can any of you know if divorce is best for us?  And if that’s what we end up deciding to do, why is everyone else in such a hurry for that to happen?  Financially it would be impossible for us to divorce unless we still lived right here in the same house.  Now that doesn’t make much sense does it?

Say I’m weak.  Maybe I am.  Perhaps the reason I’ve stayed away so long is because I’m in denial.  Reading all of this makes me have to think about things I really don’t want to think about.  Maybe Jay feels obligated to stay.  I’m sure that’s part of it.  But I can certainly tell he’s not miserable.


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Call it curiosity

Sorry it’s been so long.  I’m just busy.  Work, kids, school, sports, dance lessons, church, clubs.  You know how it is.

I wasn’t sure if I would post about the following event or not.  I’m glad I waited though because I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve been able to figure out my feelings.

Last week, I had lunch with Andei.  If you don’t remember who Andei is, read this post.  If you don’t want to read the post (it’s a much more graphic description of the type of relationship she and I had) then here’s the summary:  she and I were best friends.  We slept together……. a lot.  I knew I wasn’t gay.  I never thought about it.  But since I’ve grown older and I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect, I now wonder if she was really a lesbian all along.

So, I had emailed Andei and asked her if she’d meet me for lunch sometime in the town where she now lives. It’s about an hour away from where I work. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I needed to talk with her.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but it was just a feeling I had.  It was weeks before I ever heard back from her.  Then she emailed me and said she’d love to have lunch and that she happened to be off last Tuesday.  Well, Tuesdays are great for me because both of my kids are in school that day.  But, as Tuesday grew closer, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it.  I figured she was just agreeing to see me to get me off her back.

On Monday night, she called the house wanting to know if I was coming.  I couldn’t get to the phone because I was putting the kids to bed so Jay took a message.  I hesitated to call her back.  Jay talked me into it and we set up a meeting place for the next day.

We had a nice lunch.  She looked the same as she did when I saw her three years ago.  We talked about our jobs, kids, school, family, and old friends from high school and college.  After a couple of hours, I told her I needed to ask her something and I hoped she wouldn’t get upset.  She was curious.  I asked her if she told her husband about our relationship before she married him.  She thought for a moment then she said that she thinks she told him during their engagement counseling.  (They are Catholic and it is required.)  She said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they never really discussed it.

Why I cared to ask her this I do not know.  Maybe I was hoping it would lead to further discussion.  Maybe I wanted to know if she really did love me, and if I had hurt her all those years ago.  She informed me that she had never told another soul because she didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.

I am glad I turned the topic of conversation towards our relationship.  At first, we were simply old acquaintances, nearly strangers.  But as the conversation took a more intimate tone, Andei changed.  She would look into my eyes.  I could feel a connection between us that I had not felt for nearly 15 years.  I remembered loving her.  I could tell she still loved me.  I could see it, feel it, and sense it.  She respected me enough to have held our secret close all these years.  She didn’t deny the feelings we once shared like I thought she would.

Driving home, I had more questions after seeing her.  I never remember feeling like I might be a lesbian when we were together.  My dream had always been to get married and have children and be a mom and do PTA and all that stuff.  And when I fell in love with Jay I wanted to spend my life with him – not Andei.  But after seeing her I could tell that the feelings I once had for her were not completely gone which means that what I once felt for her was more than just my imagination.

I wish I could say that I think our sexuality is based on who we fall in love with.  I have proof to support that:  I slept with Andei because I was loved her.  Jay sleeps with me because he loves me.  Even though it goes against they way our brains are wired.

I’ve decided that I just don’t understand sexuality and the spectrum on which it can exist.  I doubt that many people are 100% straight – never having had a feeling or thought or dream or idea about a person of the same sex.  Is it too much to accept that people just fall in love?  Most people wear blinders and are only looking for partners of the opposite sex.  If we all just took those blinders off, maybe there would be no gay or straight.  Just people loving people.

But then that doesn’t explain my husband who loves me very much wanting to sleep with a man does it?  Or we could just call that curiosity.


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