Tag Archives: gay

From the archives…1/15/2008 The day I found out.

The day my husband told me he was gay will of course be burned into my mind forever.  I’ve been meaning to write a bit about it.  It was a Sunday evening.  The children were asleep and I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband.  I got out of the shower and he was watching a football game.  We were talking about normal stuff.  He suddenly muted the TV and said he needed to talk to me about something.  I think I said “Oh great!”  assuming this would be something regarding his father (a jerk) because the stressful conversations in our house always revolve around him.  He put his head in his hands and just kept repeating “I don’t know how to tell you this” over and over.  I swear the first thing that went through my mind was that he was ill with cancer or something.  Then he said “I’ve been hiding something from you for a while” and I immediately thought he had cheated on me during one of his business trips.  I even asked him if he cheated on me.  He said “Not exactly.”  I will get into later what “not exactly” means.  Then he said “Anginae, I’m gay.”  Tears in his eyes, voice trembling, weak as a baby bird, I did not believe him.  I said “No you aren’t.”  I was thinking he had maybe convinced himself that he was gay.  A thousand intimate and erotic moments spent with this man came flooding into my head.  All of the times he initiated sex with me, the times he practically begged for it were vivid memories.  The things I enjoy doing to him, for him – all vivid pictures.  He knew I wouldn’t believe him.  So he admitted he’d been looking at gay porn on the internet for some time and then admitted he’d been chatting with a man on-line about “personal” things.  Then I was convinced.  I asked him “Then why did you marry me?”  His reply, “Because I love you.”  And he does.  That’s really all that matters isn’t it?  Love.  Not gender, not race, not age.  Just love.  Why should anyone care who another person falls in love with.  My husband is gay.  Feelings he has had since the age of 4 or 5 years old.  But he fell in love with a woman.  So who cares?  This is proof to me that people just fall in love with people.  There is no choice in this matter.  Love is powerful enough to bring a gay man to his knees and cause him to go against his natural instincts – who he is inside – his innermost being and identity – and marry a woman.

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From the archives….01/14/2008 My life is really boring.

As a stay-at-home mom, I always knew my life was dull.  I’m busy – with the kids’ activities, church, social clubs, etc.  But my life is just dull.  I have all of these friends who think I’m ordinary.  People would never suspect that a woman like me – a respectable, educated, church-going, mother is married to a gay man.  Even I am surprised that my life is so boring after knowing for only 3 short months that a man I have known and loved for half of my life time is gay.  When I first found out, I would be driving and I’d just say it out loud:  “My husband is gay.  My husband is gay.  My husband is gay.”  It actually sounded normal.  I guess for me, it is normal.  You’d think there would be turmoil night and day in this house.  But life has actually continued in it’s normal fashion for us.  We have discussions when the children are not around.  We realize that we must figure out what to do long-term.  But I think the issue has to sink-in.  For example, when I first found out he is gay, within the first week or so of knowing I had decided that I would not allow him to ever have a gay relationship as long as we are married.  I would be guilty of adultery also, simply by allowing him to pursue an extra-marital relationship.  But, as the days and weeks progressed my feelings changed somehow.  I simply want him to be happy and fulfilled and if that involves finding a male partner while we are still married, so be it.  Now, I know that I make him happy.  I have no doubts about that.  But, sexually I can’t give him what he desires and needs.  It does not seem fair because he has always fulfilled my needs and desires without reservations for over a decade.  I want him to have that.  I want him to know what the physical love he desires actually feels like instead of just having to imagine it.  He will always be my husband – this is something he has said to me.  And it’s true.  I want no one else.  He does not want to lose me or the children.  And he never will.

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Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?

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Heeeeellllllooooo!!!

Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.

You were wrong.

Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.

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Girlfriend

* No perfume allowed.  He doesn’t want his wife to smell you.

*  No hickeys, scratches, or fingernail marks.  (Not that I would do this anyway but let’s just make sure it’s understood.)

*  This relationship is on his terms.  He is hiding you from his wife, so you have to follow his rules.

*  No calling, texting, IM during hours in which he might be at home with his family.  It is hard to explain at times why the Blackberry keeps beeping.

*  If you are together in public, don’t act like you are any more than an acquaintance or business associate.  Don’t expect anything that resembles affection from him.  Even though you have done the most unimaginable things together in bed, don’t expect even a second glance if others are around.

* Never, ever, say anything bad about his wife.  Even when he confides in you the way he feels when she criticizes him, the way their marriage has become more like a business, the way she shuns him when he approaches her for sex, you are not allowed to make any comments.  Just listen.

*  Be sexy all the time.  Exaggerate every move you make in bed.  Act like a porn star.

*Most importantly –   don’t fall in love with him.  You know – he has a family and no matter how hard it gets at home, he’s not leaving.

But, I did fall in love.  I didn’t plan on it.  It just happened.  I’ve followed all the rules.  And I never, ever, wanted to fall in love.  Especially with a married man.  But, he said it first.  Said he was falling in love with me.  Remembers the look in my eyes when he told me.

How could I not fall in love with the first straight man I’ve ever slept with?  Sleeping with him only 4 days after we met made me feel like a slut.  But I didn’t care.  I had to know what sex with a man-man was like.  Sex with my gay husband was great, but I wasn’t satisfied with that.

Seriously, all I wanted was sex.  That’s all he wanted as well.  It was part of the terms of our agreement.  However, he started to like me.  Started asking questions about my personal life – not just what I wanted to do in bed.  Started talking about his kids, his family, his career.  Showed me his sense of humor.  Showed me his sensitive side.  Told me I was an amazing woman.  A great person.  The best lover he’s ever had.  Noticed things about my body that J never had.  Pointed out beautiful parts of me that I didn’t know I had.  Made me feel good about myself.

He loved me first.  And the more time I spent with him, the more I realized I was growing to love him.  Now he says he can see it in my eyes when I look at him.  He knows I love him and he’s confident of that fact.  Never doubts it.  Wants to meet my kids.  Would love for me to meet his (I refuse).

So, at the end of the day, I only get to dream about being beside him when I wake up in the morning.  I only get to dream about taking care of him.  I only get to wonder what it must be like to welcome him home every night.  Because he’s fulfilling the commitment he made to his family.  And ironically, that’s the reason I love him the most.

It’s not fair that I never get what I want.

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Glittery Lipstick

I went to a gay bar this weekend.  Great fun!  Had my breasts (which are very nice I must say) kissed by a drag queen.  Each one.  Glittery lipstick.

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Justify Me

Even though I have always been happy with our sex life and I’ve felt satisfied and fulfilled, finding out that Jay is gay has made me wonder if sex with a straight man would be any different.

As you’ve read here, Jay is very good at making love to me.  It’s not at all like some of you might imagine.  A gay man trying to figure out a woman’s body.  Having to imagine some great piece of dick to be able to tolerate the situation.  I can tell, when we are intimate, that Jay is there with me.  He’s attentive and caring.  He is interested in what I want and need.  He enjoys being with me.

That said, I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out because I’m sleeping with a gay man.  But, if I have to be honest, I will say that I wonder if sleeping with a straight man would be any different.  Sex is good – very good.  But can it get any better?  And do I really care if it can?

I can understand Jay’s need to be with a man.  A man who wants men, desires men, loves men.  He needs to know that a man can love him, make love to him, fuck him, and think he is attractive.  This makes sense.  So why wouldn’t it make sense for me as well?

I’m getting all of those things from Jay.  But does it mean as much?  This is a question I am trying to answer for myself.  I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time now.  I married young.  I never had another man tell me he wanted me or desired me.  I’ve never been with another man other than Jay.  How do you think this makes me feel?  As a woman, it makes me feel kind of like shit.

Jay says I just never noticed other men because I was married and I wasn’t looking.

I think it’s time for me to feel justified.

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