God only knows what this post will be about. I feel like something is inside of me, telling me to write but I don’t know what it is so here goes. Hmmmmm. I read Jay’s last post titled In Rainbows. It made me feel kind of crappy. For the longest time I thought I knew everything about this man I loved. Then one day (7 1/2 months ago) he tells me he’s been lying to me this whole time. We’ve talked a lot since then. I’ve asked him embarrassing questions that I have no right to ask. He answers me without argument. He shares a lot with me. Yet reading his last post made me realize how much there is about him I still don’t know.
I imagine a man who is torn inside. I imagine a man who has two hearts. One heart loves me, our children, our life together in small town rural America. The other heart longs to be loved by a man. It wants to know how it feels to be a man in love with another man. I find myself asking why my love isn’t enough for him. But then the smarter part of me says that just as heterosexuality is natural and normal to me, and how I desire and need to be loved by a man, homosexuality is natural and normal to Jay and he feels like he is missing out on something. He is.
I try to think about myself as a single woman with no children. Jay and I married young so this is hard to do. But imagining myself as a single, working professional is something I can do. I have parents who love me a lot and whose company I enjoy (for the most part). I have great friends who I have great times with and they love me and are there for me in a heartbeat if I need them. But, I would long for intimate love with a man. I would want to know how it feels to be held and kissed and touched by someone I find sexually attractive. As much love as I can get from my family and friends would not be enough. Is this how my husband feels?
Someday, I guess I will move into the classification of just being Jay’s family, and not his lover. Because seriously, we will always love each other. I will always be in love with him. We will always be family. All of my dreams of the future have always involved him being there – for Christmases, vacations, our children’s graduations from college, grandchildren’s births, chemotherapy, surgeries, and finally death. I can’t change those dreams. I want him there. I want to see the ocean with him. I want to hold his hand when I’m sick. I want to see his face first on Christmas morning. I want to lie on the beach drinking Sangria with him in a hammock next to me. Is there room in these dreams for another man? Is there room for Jay’s lover, companion, or hopefully someday we can all say same-sex husband?
Before I start to cry, I have to say that I want Jay to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I just hurt so much ya know? Letting him go is going to be the hardest thing for me to do.
By the way, are there any men out there who can love my husband and love me? A man who can accept the fact that I’ve given years of my life to this man, trying to make him happy, and that I will always love him? A man who can live with the fact that I need Jay to balance my checkbook, mow my lawn, and change the oil in my car? A man who can tolerate spending holidays with me? A man who is patient and will not try to turn my husband against me? I’m willing to step aside a little bit, but I just don’t know how.