Tag Archives: Jay

Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?

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We all have problems

When Jay came out to me, we had a perfect life. What I mean is nice house, two kids, enough money to not have to struggle, nice town, good schools, great friends, a strong church, and we were the “perfect” couple. Days after the truth started to sink in, I realized that if this could happen to me, it could happen to anyone else. Maybe the other “perfect” couple down the block. Maybe the family we sit next to in church. Maybe the damn PTA president. Seriously. I knew that in this big, wide world there was no way we could be the only mixed-orientation couple.

We are so lucky that we have the internet. I started looking for more people like us. Guess what? You are all over the place. Let me tell you first how comforting that was. Knowing that we weren’t unique was more helpful than you can imagine.  I’ve realized that as humans all over the world we are all going through the same shit.  Regardless of our ethnicity, religion, social class, or financial status, we all have problems that we have to work through.

Today I was visiting with my closest girlfriend (let’s call her Shana – she may come up some other time here so it’s probably good for me to name her).  Recently, one of her very dear friends became a widow suddenly, unexpectedly, and much too young.  Shana told me that her friend is very, very sad.  She feels lost.  Shana doesn’t know how to help her.  Nothing seems to be comforting.  Shana’s opinion is that her friend will just have to deal with it and it will take a while but eventually she will be fine.  Then we discussed a family in our community that recently lost their 3 year old son.  Also a very sudden and unexpected death – no accident was involved.  Shana knows this family better than I do, and again said that there is just nothing to do for the family to make them feel any better.  You know what I thought?  I thought that my problem is no where near as horrible as either of these.  Sure it hurts, but it can’t hurt as much as losing a spouse or child.

My conclusion is that I just have to deal with it.  I will deal with it.  It can’t hurt forever.  It seems sometimes that Jay and I are expecting this situation to resolve itself quickly.  It won’t.  Everyone of us has our problems.  I like knowing that there are other couples out there just like us.  Some of them have remained married.  Some of them divorced but remained friends.  Then of course, sometimes the wife leaves and takes everything in a bittern nasty divorce.  I’ve asked Jay what he thought my reaction would be when he came out to me.  He said he had no clue.  He knew there was a possibility that I would leave.  But he also knew that he didn’t want to lose me or the kids.  I’ve assured him that that will never happen.

I thought that he was telling me because there was someone he wanted to be with.  I thought he wanted a divorce.  I think it’s natural for me to have expected that.  And while I’m guessing that most of my readers are gay or lesbian and not straight monogamous housewives, you may still wonder why I didn’t just get up and leave.  Well, it just didn’t feel natural.  If I had had a chance to prepare for the situation, maybe I would have realized that leaving was the best thing to do.  But I’m in love here.  And I know Jay is in love with me.  I also know that will never change.  And that’s fine with me.  Regardless of where this twisted road takes us, we will always love each other.

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Stepping Aside

God only  knows what this post will be about.  I feel like something is inside of me, telling me to write but I don’t know what it is so here goes.  Hmmmmm.  I read Jay’s last post titled In Rainbows. It made me feel kind of crappy.  For the longest time I thought I knew everything about this man I loved.  Then one day (7 1/2 months ago) he tells me he’s been lying to me this whole time.  We’ve talked a lot since then.  I’ve asked him embarrassing questions that I have no right to ask.  He answers me without argument.  He shares a lot with me.  Yet reading his last post made me realize how much there is about him I still don’t know.

I imagine a man who is torn inside.  I imagine a man who has two hearts.  One heart loves me, our children, our life together in small town rural America.  The other heart longs to be loved by a man.  It wants to know how it feels to be a man in love with another man.  I find myself asking why my love isn’t enough for him.  But then the smarter part of me says that just as heterosexuality is natural and normal to me, and how I desire and need to be loved by a man, homosexuality is natural and normal to Jay and he feels like he is missing out on something.  He is.

I try to think about myself as a single woman with no children.  Jay and I married young so this is hard to do.  But imagining myself as a single, working professional is something I can do.  I have parents who love me a lot and whose company I enjoy (for the most part).  I have great friends who I have great times with and they love me and are there for me in a heartbeat if I need them.  But, I would long for intimate love with a man.  I would want to know how it feels to be held and kissed and touched by someone I find sexually attractive.  As much love as I can get from my family and friends would not be enough.  Is this how my husband feels?

Someday, I guess I will move into the classification of just being Jay’s family, and not his lover.  Because seriously, we will always love each other.  I will always be in love with him.  We will always be family.  All of my dreams of the future have always involved him being there – for Christmases, vacations, our children’s graduations from college,  grandchildren’s births, chemotherapy, surgeries, and finally death.  I can’t change those dreams.  I want him there.  I want to see the ocean with him.  I want to hold his hand when I’m sick.  I want to see his face first on Christmas morning.  I want to lie on the beach drinking Sangria with him in a hammock next to me.  Is there room in these dreams for another man?  Is there room for Jay’s lover, companion, or hopefully someday we can all say same-sex husband?

Before I start to cry, I have to say that I want Jay to be happy more than I want myself to be happy.  I just hurt so much ya know?  Letting him go is going to be the hardest thing for me to do.

By the way, are there any men out there who can love my husband and love me?  A man who can accept the fact that I’ve given years of my life to this man, trying to make him happy, and that I will always love him?  A man who can live with the fact that I need Jay to balance my checkbook, mow my lawn, and change the oil in my car?  A man who can tolerate spending holidays with me?  A man who is patient and will not try to turn my husband against me?  I’m willing to step aside a little bit, but I just don’t know how.

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Funny Story

Well, the pictures I took of Jay in the shower won’t be posted at all.  They were’t porno – let’s get that straight first.  There were a couple of his ass, a few of just skin, and a couple of him drying off but the towel was covering all of the hard parts.  It is really tough to get pictures of Jay in the shower.  He was fighting me the whole time but due to the persuasion of a dear friend (who I won’t name but lives in Alaska) I thought I’d try.

Here’s the funny part – well for me anyway.  The shower pictures were still on the camera when we took it to one of my son’s school events a few days later.  The grandparents were there to witness this event and we were all sitting together in the auditorium.  Jay had started taking pictures of the kids on stage.  He gave me the camera to show my mom who was sitting right next to me.  Can you see where this is going?  So, she is pushing the button trying to review the pictures Jay just took and accidentally pushed the button that took her back to the beginning of the pictures on the card.  It was a big ole’ picture of Jay’s ass.  I freaked and took the camera away from her quickly.  Jay quite literally choked on the gum he was chewing and he said he nearly had to have the Heimlich.  He grabbed the camera from me and proceeded to delete all of the shower photos right then and there.  My mom and I are cackling away and I knew I was going to get killed.  Jay turned as red as I have ever seen him.  The thing is, my mom didn’t get a good enough look at the picture and assumed it was our son.  I had to tell her that it was Jay because she thought I was some sort of weirdo for taking naked pictures of my son.  Then that sounds even better because she naturally assumed that the pictures Jay was proceeding to delete were of nastier things.

It was a good laugh.  I’m sure Jay will be forever embarrassed that my mom saw his ass if only for a moment.  And I think Jay and I are about even.

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Speaking for both of us……..

The previous post was written in response to Jay’s decision to pretend he is not gay and his attempt to shove me into the closet.  After many comments from our loyal readers and plenty of bickering with me, he has decided that he chose “Door #3” in haste.  Well, big surprise.  Sorry to be sarcastic here, but this has all happened before.  Shortly after coming out to me he decided to delete all of his “gay” accounts and the porn he had downloaded.  He tried to pretend he was straight.  And I believe he has done it another time right after Christmas.  I don’t blame him really.  I think it is all part of trying to figure out what he really wants and what is going to work for us.

We are known to some of you (Nate) as “the couple” and I can’t tell you how much we appreciate the concern that all of you have for us.  Whether or not you are a happily committed gay man who used to be married to a woman, or whether you are still married to your wife but openly gay, or maybe you are the child of a gay man who stayed married to his wife until the very end (Jen), we love hearing from all of you.  Believe me when I say that all of your opinions are quite different.  You all have very different perspectives and hearing from each of you is something we look forward to.  The support we have found on the internet has been overwhelming.  I have met no other jerks like Internet Guy who are telling me that I should insist that Jay go off and fuck another man just to see if he likes it.  We have only met people who seem to care about us and our family and are waiting to see how things will work out.

So, things have been really busy with the kids, work, and all of the stuff that comes up this time of year like ball games, dance recitals, end-of-school activities, etc.  Sometimes I just don’t know what to post.  I’m sure my writing is redundant.  How can it not be?  I’m still working through my feelings about being married to a gay man.  I have been struggling with my own faith in God.  I’m not really close to God right now.  Some of the agnostic views my husband has seem to make more sense to me than blind faith.  (Let’s get this clear – Jay is in NO WAY trying to influence my Christian beliefs.  He has NEVER tried to persuade me to believe what he does or does not.)  And I’m really sorry to say this (John you won’t like this) but frankly, I’m tired of being told what to do and how to act by the church.  Yea I’m a Christian.  I drink.  I cuss.  I enjoy hard sex.  Things a good girl shouldn’t do.  I’m just a little bit pissed off right now because it seems to me that no matter what I do, things can go OK for a while and then my life gets flushed.  I didn’t drink before Jay came out.  I didn’t cuss before Jay came out.  But the situation is worthy of a little bit of profanity.

Don’t take the above comments the wrong way.  I am a very nice person.  I’m a happy person for the most part.  The issues I have are with the Lord above.  He can handle my anger.  I love my family, my kids, and my husband very, very much.  We appear to be the typical, perfect, all-American family.  To everyone except for you all reading this.  So, speaking for both of us………..we love ya.  Keep reading!

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New job = more shit to think about

Well shit. I guess I’ll post something. I have lots of thoughts and feelings running around my head and body regarding Jay’s new job. Changing jobs is something he’s been thinking about for a few months. His relationship with his father has gotten so bad that I don’t think he could stand to work with him much longer. And although at the moment I don’t see it happening, maybe with Jay working somewhere else they can repair their relationship. But, my father-in-law would have a lot of ass-kissing to do to make that happen.

I prayed for Jay to get this particular job. They seemed really interested in him and I could literally see a boost in his self esteem knowing that some other company wanted him. The offer they made is good and I’m pretty happy with it. I’ve been in a funk about the whole thing though. I’m trying to figure out why.

Jay will have to commute. That’s fine but it means we will see him less. We can deal with that. But people who know have already assummed we will be moving. Not so. Jay actually insisted that we stay here where we are. Well, he’d move in a heartbeat if I wanted to, but I don’t. I have great friends here and the kids love the school. I’m not too far from my parents (but just far enough – you know what I mean) and I feel safe and happy here. Since my future as Mrs. Jay Homo is uncertain, I want to stay here where I have people who love me. That makes me sad. Not that people love me, but that I’m actually thinking about how I might need them in the future. It makes me sad that Jay realizes it as well. I should be comforted that he cares enough about me and the kids to insist we stay where we are comfortable, but I want to scream at him, “I WAS COMFORTABLE BEING THE WIFE AND LOVER OF AN ATTRACTIVE STRAIGHT MAN FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE. I’M NOT COMFORTABLE FIGURING OUT HOW I CAN EMBRACE MY LIFE AS JUST YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!”

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Step-brother and my best girlfriend

I’ve been with my husband since high school. My best friend in high school was a girl I’ll call Andei. I mentioned in my first post to this blog that I had had a same-sex relationship as a teenager. Well, that relationship was with Andei. She and I were always together. We were pretty much inseparable. We started sleeping together in the 10th grade. We had talked about it a little bit before it actually happened. As friends, we talked about sex a lot. Her dad had an extensive collection of porn and lots of sex books. I learned a lot about sex from her. She would watch the movies after school when her parents weren’t home, and of course she’d tell me all about it. I wasn’t much into watching them myself. I saw bits and pieces of them a couple of times, but they didn’t do all that much for me. Anyway, we talked so much about sex with guys and I never had any homosexual tendencies. As we grew to be closer friends we trusted each other completely. Talking about sex so much would of course be arousing………so being aroused and with a great friend, we eventually did it. I really don’t remember it all that well except that it happened at my house one night when she was sleeping over. After the first time, it was much easier to do again and again. There was no risk of pregnancy, no risk of STDs, and it was easy to get by my parents. It felt great of course. Having someone else bring you to orgasm is usually better than getting there yourself. I eventually grew tired of it. Andei was the one who would start it every time. She’d drive me home from school, come in for a minute, and start fingering me to orgasm. She didn’t ask for anything in return. I never wondered at the time if she was really a lesbian because she was so into talking about guys and their dicks and blow jobs and stuff but as I’ve gotten older I have begun to wonder. I’ve talked to some gay guys who have said they were always talking about women and sex with women just to dispel any doubts about their homosexuality.

On to the rest of the story…….when I was 16, I started dating the guy that would become my husband. It’s time to give him a name I guess. How about Jay. Anyway, at the time I did not know that Jay and Step-brother (remember from the previous post that Step-brother is gay) had been messing around with each other. When Jay and I started dating and really liked each other, he told Step-brother that he would no longer be participating in their favorite pastime. Step-brother kind of freaked out. (I told you he was annoying as hell.) He wrote Jay a creepy note about how he missed him and their friendship. Jay then wanted nothing to do with him, afraid that he would tell me the whole story and more afraid that he would tell Jay’s mom. Jay cut him off. Well, Step-brother calls me one night and tells me he wants to go out with my best friend Andei and wanted to know if I thought she would say yes. Well, she did. You see, being kind of a “butch” girl she hadn’t had many boyfriends. She and I both thought it would be a good way for us to double-date. Me and Jay and Andei and Jay’s step-brother. How convenient. It seemed harmless at the time. Except for the fact that Step-brother was so annoying, it would be fun.

Now that I look back on the situation, knowing what I know now, I think Step-brother had a devious plan. I think he was more attached to Jay than Jay was to him. I think he wanted more of the good-stuff with my boyfriend. I think he wanted to date Andei so he could be around Jay. Maybe Step-brother suspected that Andei and I were sleeping together and thought that eventually it would become a big orgy. (I have to note here that Jay and I didn’t have sex until our senior year in high school and when these events occurred we were still juniors.) Can you imagine Jay’s horror when my closest and dearest friend started dating the guy he was trying to cut off? Having Step-brother around must have made him so nervous. Just hoping and praying that Step-brother would not slip-up and make a comment that I would figure out. Just in case you are wondering, Jay did not know that I was sleeping with Andei. I didn’t tell him until we got serious enough to discuss marriage years later.

Whatever Step-brother’s plan was, it did not play out. He was so damned annoying that Andei could not stand him for long. She tried to break up with him after a few months. I say “tried” because her attempt to end their relationship was not successful at first. He begged for another chance. He had his mom (a stoner addicted to Doan’s back pills) call her to talk about what a great guy he really was. She felt bad so she hung on a little longer. Finally, it had to end. Lord knows I encouraged the break-up but I don’t recall Jay caring about it one way or another. Probably afraid he’d seem to anxious to get rid of Step-brother. One day, Andei and I went to Step-brother’s place of employment so she could end things. I waited outside. It took forever but she finally came out and said he’d tried to talk her out of it and he started crying. Probably because he hadn’t gotten to fuck my boyfriend yet. Seriously, none of this meant a lot to me at the time. It wasn’t a big deal. But when I look back on the situation, I just have to be suspicious of my now Step-brother-in-law.

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