Sorry it’s been so long. I’m just busy. Work, kids, school, sports, dance lessons, church, clubs. You know how it is.
I wasn’t sure if I would post about the following event or not. I’m glad I waited though because I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve been able to figure out my feelings.
Last week, I had lunch with Andei. If you don’t remember who Andei is, read this post. If you don’t want to read the post (it’s a much more graphic description of the type of relationship she and I had) then here’s the summary: she and I were best friends. We slept together……. a lot. I knew I wasn’t gay. I never thought about it. But since I’ve grown older and I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect, I now wonder if she was really a lesbian all along.
So, I had emailed Andei and asked her if she’d meet me for lunch sometime in the town where she now lives. It’s about an hour away from where I work. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I needed to talk with her. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but it was just a feeling I had. It was weeks before I ever heard back from her. Then she emailed me and said she’d love to have lunch and that she happened to be off last Tuesday. Well, Tuesdays are great for me because both of my kids are in school that day. But, as Tuesday grew closer, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. I figured she was just agreeing to see me to get me off her back.
On Monday night, she called the house wanting to know if I was coming. I couldn’t get to the phone because I was putting the kids to bed so Jay took a message. I hesitated to call her back. Jay talked me into it and we set up a meeting place for the next day.
We had a nice lunch. She looked the same as she did when I saw her three years ago. We talked about our jobs, kids, school, family, and old friends from high school and college. After a couple of hours, I told her I needed to ask her something and I hoped she wouldn’t get upset. She was curious. I asked her if she told her husband about our relationship before she married him. She thought for a moment then she said that she thinks she told him during their engagement counseling. (They are Catholic and it is required.) She said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they never really discussed it.
Why I cared to ask her this I do not know. Maybe I was hoping it would lead to further discussion. Maybe I wanted to know if she really did love me, and if I had hurt her all those years ago. She informed me that she had never told another soul because she didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.
I am glad I turned the topic of conversation towards our relationship. At first, we were simply old acquaintances, nearly strangers. But as the conversation took a more intimate tone, Andei changed. She would look into my eyes. I could feel a connection between us that I had not felt for nearly 15 years. I remembered loving her. I could tell she still loved me. I could see it, feel it, and sense it. She respected me enough to have held our secret close all these years. She didn’t deny the feelings we once shared like I thought she would.
Driving home, I had more questions after seeing her. I never remember feeling like I might be a lesbian when we were together. My dream had always been to get married and have children and be a mom and do PTA and all that stuff. And when I fell in love with Jay I wanted to spend my life with him – not Andei. But after seeing her I could tell that the feelings I once had for her were not completely gone which means that what I once felt for her was more than just my imagination.
I wish I could say that I think our sexuality is based on who we fall in love with. I have proof to support that: I slept with Andei because I was loved her. Jay sleeps with me because he loves me. Even though it goes against they way our brains are wired.
I’ve decided that I just don’t understand sexuality and the spectrum on which it can exist. I doubt that many people are 100% straight – never having had a feeling or thought or dream or idea about a person of the same sex. Is it too much to accept that people just fall in love? Most people wear blinders and are only looking for partners of the opposite sex. If we all just took those blinders off, maybe there would be no gay or straight. Just people loving people.
But then that doesn’t explain my husband who loves me very much wanting to sleep with a man does it? Or we could just call that curiosity.