Tag Archives: married gay

Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?

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Call it curiosity

Sorry it’s been so long.  I’m just busy.  Work, kids, school, sports, dance lessons, church, clubs.  You know how it is.

I wasn’t sure if I would post about the following event or not.  I’m glad I waited though because I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve been able to figure out my feelings.

Last week, I had lunch with Andei.  If you don’t remember who Andei is, read this post.  If you don’t want to read the post (it’s a much more graphic description of the type of relationship she and I had) then here’s the summary:  she and I were best friends.  We slept together……. a lot.  I knew I wasn’t gay.  I never thought about it.  But since I’ve grown older and I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect, I now wonder if she was really a lesbian all along.

So, I had emailed Andei and asked her if she’d meet me for lunch sometime in the town where she now lives. It’s about an hour away from where I work. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I needed to talk with her.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to say but it was just a feeling I had.  It was weeks before I ever heard back from her.  Then she emailed me and said she’d love to have lunch and that she happened to be off last Tuesday.  Well, Tuesdays are great for me because both of my kids are in school that day.  But, as Tuesday grew closer, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it.  I figured she was just agreeing to see me to get me off her back.

On Monday night, she called the house wanting to know if I was coming.  I couldn’t get to the phone because I was putting the kids to bed so Jay took a message.  I hesitated to call her back.  Jay talked me into it and we set up a meeting place for the next day.

We had a nice lunch.  She looked the same as she did when I saw her three years ago.  We talked about our jobs, kids, school, family, and old friends from high school and college.  After a couple of hours, I told her I needed to ask her something and I hoped she wouldn’t get upset.  She was curious.  I asked her if she told her husband about our relationship before she married him.  She thought for a moment then she said that she thinks she told him during their engagement counseling.  (They are Catholic and it is required.)  She said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they never really discussed it.

Why I cared to ask her this I do not know.  Maybe I was hoping it would lead to further discussion.  Maybe I wanted to know if she really did love me, and if I had hurt her all those years ago.  She informed me that she had never told another soul because she didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.

I am glad I turned the topic of conversation towards our relationship.  At first, we were simply old acquaintances, nearly strangers.  But as the conversation took a more intimate tone, Andei changed.  She would look into my eyes.  I could feel a connection between us that I had not felt for nearly 15 years.  I remembered loving her.  I could tell she still loved me.  I could see it, feel it, and sense it.  She respected me enough to have held our secret close all these years.  She didn’t deny the feelings we once shared like I thought she would.

Driving home, I had more questions after seeing her.  I never remember feeling like I might be a lesbian when we were together.  My dream had always been to get married and have children and be a mom and do PTA and all that stuff.  And when I fell in love with Jay I wanted to spend my life with him – not Andei.  But after seeing her I could tell that the feelings I once had for her were not completely gone which means that what I once felt for her was more than just my imagination.

I wish I could say that I think our sexuality is based on who we fall in love with.  I have proof to support that:  I slept with Andei because I was loved her.  Jay sleeps with me because he loves me.  Even though it goes against they way our brains are wired.

I’ve decided that I just don’t understand sexuality and the spectrum on which it can exist.  I doubt that many people are 100% straight – never having had a feeling or thought or dream or idea about a person of the same sex.  Is it too much to accept that people just fall in love?  Most people wear blinders and are only looking for partners of the opposite sex.  If we all just took those blinders off, maybe there would be no gay or straight.  Just people loving people.

But then that doesn’t explain my husband who loves me very much wanting to sleep with a man does it?  Or we could just call that curiosity.

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“Sometimes I’m tired of you being gay.”

Yeah I feel guilty about it.  But I said it OK?  It just sort of popped out of my mouth.  I’ve been through a lot the last couple of weeks.  I’m tired and I don’t feel great.  I’m ready for my six week recovery period to be over.  And lots of little things are just getting to me.  Jay has been great really.  He’s working hard keeping up the house as best as he can and knows how.  It just feels like we haven’t had as much time together.  The time we’d usually spend together has been occupied by me sleeping or him doing chores.  He chats a lot on line.  I want him to have his friends.  Especially friends he can be gay with.  I think it helps him to not have to pretend he’s straight all the time.  Even if it’s with people on line.  But I can’t lie and say I’m not jealous of the time he spends on line.  I honestly don’t care – but I’m honestly jealous.  It makes it much easier though that I absolutely adore the man he’s chatting with.  He’s a treasure – a great dad and husband.  And he’s been more than a great friend to Jay.  I know Jay has thought about meeting him.  I’d love to meet him myself.  Although I don’t see that happening in the near future.  Neither party is comfortable with that.  There is a lot to be said for anonymity.  But you can also get to know people pretty well on line.

I guess what bothers me is that no matter how much I love him or care about him I just can never understand what it is like to be gay.  He has to go to someone else who can understand.  Even though I try very hard, I just can’t comprehend the struggle of trying to change your sexuality.  I know there may be some people reading this who think Jay made a big mistake.  You may think that he is a coward for denying himself the life he desires to live.  But even if you are a gay man who has always been comfortable with your sexuality and have been strong enough to be a gay man in a mostly straight world, I can’t imagine it’s always been easy for you.

I want to be everything to my husband.  And I can’t.  There is nothing in this world that I can do to be able to fulfill his every need and desire.  Nothing.  Can you imagine how incredibly disappointing that is?  It’s only because I love him so much that I want to be the one to make him happy.  I am willing to let someone else into our life so Jay can be himself when he needs to.  I’m willing to love this person as well.

So what I meant when I said I was tired of him being gay really had nothing to do with him.  I’m tired of feeling inadequate.  I’m tired of knowing I can’t be all that I want to.  I’m tired of having to share him with himself.  Does that make sense?

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Searching for a new place

Last week kind of sucked. Jay and I had a couple of talks about where things were going. He was unhappy many days and stressed it seemed about what he wanted from his life. If you’ve read his blog you know that he was considering some sort of conversion therapy to make himself hetero. I knew he was thinking about it but I didn’t know he was honestly that serious about it. I thought he knew how I felt about it as well. (In case you don’t know I’ll tell you – I think it’s a stupid idea. I don’t think it would work. And I really don’t want him to change.) But he decided to post about it and a few readers agreed that it might be a good idea for him to try to become a heterosexual.

As a person not wanting or feeling the need to change her sexuality, I guess I didn’t realize how stressful a decision this could be. He was seriously battling with the idea of trying this. I think he was afraid that he’d try it and it would not work and I’d be disappointed. He’d be disappointed. He just seemed so unhappy last week and I couldn’t get inside him because he kept shutting me out. So I decided I’d have to explore my options. No matter how much I love Jay and want to be with him forever, I can’t stand to see him unhappy like this. I thought that maybe if we just separated for a while he could decide what he wanted to do. So I began looking for a new place to live. I figured that if we sold our currents home and I moved with the children into something smaller and much cheaper, Jay could afford to rent an apartment near his work (he drives 50 miles one way to get to work). I looked at a couple of homes here in our small town because honestly, I don’t want to leave here. The kids love it here, it’s safe, and I have my best friends and church here. I looked at some homes in my hometown where I also work. It’s 30 miles away but my parents are there and I grew up there. I thought it might be a good idea to have my parents in town with me so my dad could help out with things I don’t know how to take care of that Jay always does for me. However, my hometown is much bigger than where we live now so to buy a house in the price range I could afford, I’d have to settle for something I don’t feel comfortable in.

So, I spent last Thursday driving around my home town in all of the neighborhoods I’d feel safe with children in looking for homes for sale. I didn’t really want to. I should have been working. I attended a mandatory meeting in the afternoon but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. I was so emotional and just too damn sad. I found some decent little homes. I called a realtor and had her email me listings in my price range. I say my price range but Jay would still have to buy the house for me. My job is only part-time and pays only a small fraction of what he makes. (I’ve just gone back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for six years.) My heart just felt heavy. I was just sad. But looking for another place to live was some indescribable need I had to prove to myself that I was not a wimp and I could learn to get along without Jay there to take care of me. The problem was that I was just so unhappy doing it.  I asked my son if he’d like living in the same town as my parents.  He loves them to death and I was surprised he said no.  He loves his friends and his school and he is already comfortable here.  My daughter is too young to know what she wants.  I thought about how hard it would be to have the kids away from their father.  Jay is gone more with his new job and there are days when he leaves before they wake and gets home after they are asleep.  The first thing they do is ask for him.  I thought about how hard it would be to explain things to the children.  Our son is very sensitive and he’d just go to pieces. Jay’s parents would freak out.  His mom would bawl.  My parents would accept it because they’ve always trusted me.  But my dad would give Jay the cold shoulder.

All of this made me realize how much I don’t want to separate.  But I really didn’t know how much until I seriously considered it.  And I never thought I’d seriously consider it.  But I did.  For 3 days.  I looked at smaller, less expensive homes here where we live now.  I figured if we bought something smaller and cut our mortgage payment in half then Jay could rent an apartment where he works and we could tell everyone we had done this for his new job.  I contacted a friend of mine that is a realtor here in town and asked her about two homes I was interested in.  She said to me “Are you guys thinking of investing in some rental property?”  What would I say?  She knows where I live now.

So, I have realized that I’d be more unhappy if Jay and I were apart than I would if we stay married.  I tried to dig around in his head and finally he told me that he does not want to separate or divorce either.  Sure, this may seem impossible to manage to many of you.  But I don’t think it is.  We are best friends, companions, lovers (for now).  I need him and I know he needs me.  More than just a phone call everyday.  I know what Jay wants now and I’m fine with that.  I do not think it will be easy.  I have thought a lot about that.  But I know I want him to be happy.  And when we first started this journey, I heard from a very insightful gay man who was married for quite sometime and now he counsels gay men in a similar situation.  He said that often married gay men find out that they are not as happy with another man as they are with their wives and they never feel as close to a male companion or they just feel empty.  So based on this, our love, and our years together, I see no reason to end this marriage.

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Fuck the Future

I’m so fucked up ya know? If you continue to read from this point get ready to hear me whine again. If you don’t like it, quit reading, but honestly if you don’t think I have anything to be whining about then come here and try living this life.

Yes, I’m grateful that this relationship produced two wonderful children. Yes, I’m grateful that I am loved by Jay and feel that his love is genuine. Yes, I am grateful that I have not been alone for the last decade because Jay fell in love with me and chose to be with me. I realize that I am lucky in so many ways. I’m thankful for what I have. But for some reason, lately it seems, that I cannot get over how fucked up my life really is. I had the rug pulled out from under me after I had become quite comfortable sitting on it. I waste too much time scanning moments and memories from the last 15 years to see if there was any piece of information, any clue, any hint at all that I just ignored.  I find it incredibly hard to believe that someone can live every moment of their life with a person and not know that he’s gay.  I t really makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

Maybe I have psychological issues that have subconsciously led me to be with a gay man.  I’ve read stuff like that.  I can’t identify what it would be about me that would lead me to seek out a gay man.  I was molested as a child.  I don’t remember lots of details but I do remember enough.  However, it’s something I feel like I have dealt with.

I guess this post is mostly rambling.  I’m not saying that I honestly thought I would be able to plan out my life and everything would go according to that plan.  But when you’ve been with someone so long and know someone so well (you think) I don’t think it’s unusual to assume you will always be with that person.  We are just so good together.  Everything has always been good.  Now I can’t even think of the future.  Fuck the future.

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Speaking for both of us……..

The previous post was written in response to Jay’s decision to pretend he is not gay and his attempt to shove me into the closet.  After many comments from our loyal readers and plenty of bickering with me, he has decided that he chose “Door #3” in haste.  Well, big surprise.  Sorry to be sarcastic here, but this has all happened before.  Shortly after coming out to me he decided to delete all of his “gay” accounts and the porn he had downloaded.  He tried to pretend he was straight.  And I believe he has done it another time right after Christmas.  I don’t blame him really.  I think it is all part of trying to figure out what he really wants and what is going to work for us.

We are known to some of you (Nate) as “the couple” and I can’t tell you how much we appreciate the concern that all of you have for us.  Whether or not you are a happily committed gay man who used to be married to a woman, or whether you are still married to your wife but openly gay, or maybe you are the child of a gay man who stayed married to his wife until the very end (Jen), we love hearing from all of you.  Believe me when I say that all of your opinions are quite different.  You all have very different perspectives and hearing from each of you is something we look forward to.  The support we have found on the internet has been overwhelming.  I have met no other jerks like Internet Guy who are telling me that I should insist that Jay go off and fuck another man just to see if he likes it.  We have only met people who seem to care about us and our family and are waiting to see how things will work out.

So, things have been really busy with the kids, work, and all of the stuff that comes up this time of year like ball games, dance recitals, end-of-school activities, etc.  Sometimes I just don’t know what to post.  I’m sure my writing is redundant.  How can it not be?  I’m still working through my feelings about being married to a gay man.  I have been struggling with my own faith in God.  I’m not really close to God right now.  Some of the agnostic views my husband has seem to make more sense to me than blind faith.  (Let’s get this clear – Jay is in NO WAY trying to influence my Christian beliefs.  He has NEVER tried to persuade me to believe what he does or does not.)  And I’m really sorry to say this (John you won’t like this) but frankly, I’m tired of being told what to do and how to act by the church.  Yea I’m a Christian.  I drink.  I cuss.  I enjoy hard sex.  Things a good girl shouldn’t do.  I’m just a little bit pissed off right now because it seems to me that no matter what I do, things can go OK for a while and then my life gets flushed.  I didn’t drink before Jay came out.  I didn’t cuss before Jay came out.  But the situation is worthy of a little bit of profanity.

Don’t take the above comments the wrong way.  I am a very nice person.  I’m a happy person for the most part.  The issues I have are with the Lord above.  He can handle my anger.  I love my family, my kids, and my husband very, very much.  We appear to be the typical, perfect, all-American family.  To everyone except for you all reading this.  So, speaking for both of us………..we love ya.  Keep reading!

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I wrote this weeks ago

Where do I start? I thought that this blog was an open forum for me to express my feelings and thoughts as they come into my head. I really don’t plan these posts, the words just come out as I’m sitting here. So the last time I posted, I had just read Jay’s post on what he thought his options were. Now let me clarify that I was aware of what he thought his options were when I read his last post. None of the words shocked me. What I described as a “slap in the face” was the fact that he was actively thinking of these options without discussing them with me. I thought we were doing this together. I thought that the reason he told me he is gay was so I could help him make the right decision for us and our family. So in sitting down to write my post, I expressed my current feelings.

Jay read my post. Apparently, he felt guilty for the way I feel. Sorrrrrry! What the hell am I supposed to feel? NO MATTER WHERE OR WHEN OR HOW YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GAY IT WAS GOING TO HURT. THAT PAIN DOES NOT GO AWAY EASILY AND ***NEWS FLASH*** IT MAY NEVER COMPLETELY GO AWAY. Obviously, our ideal options are the same. If I’m being honest, I have to say that of course ideally I would choose to always be married to Jay and keep our family in-tact. But my mistake was in expressing that in my blog. What I did not say was that I thought that was the best thing for our family.

The truth is, I don’t know yet what the best thing is. I think Jay freaked out when he saw that I was tossing the idea around in my head of taking the kids – only for the summer – and staying with family only 25 miles away. I got a comment from a wonderful and regular reader that I should not leave because Jay needs me and I need him. I appreciated his comment but we aren’t talking about a great distance here and separating does not mean I don’t support him. I just thought that if he had some time away from me and the kids, the bed-times and baths, the bickering over toys and TV shows, that he might be able to think through things a bit.

Jay has decided (for now) that he wants to forget as best he can that he is gay. He has asked me to forget as well. Do any of you out there really think I can do that? He wants me to live in his closet. I’m not saying that I am ready to go out and tell the world that my husband is gay. But there is no way that I can pretend that Jay never came out to me. If I sit still and it’s very quiet, I can still here those words and feel the way I felt that night that he broke my heart. I don’t yet know if I can live my entire life with the biggest secret on the planet weighting me down everyday.

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