Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.
You were wrong.
Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.
Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.
You were wrong.
Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.
* No perfume allowed. He doesn’t want his wife to smell you.
* No hickeys, scratches, or fingernail marks. (Not that I would do this anyway but let’s just make sure it’s understood.)
* This relationship is on his terms. He is hiding you from his wife, so you have to follow his rules.
* No calling, texting, IM during hours in which he might be at home with his family. It is hard to explain at times why the Blackberry keeps beeping.
* If you are together in public, don’t act like you are any more than an acquaintance or business associate. Don’t expect anything that resembles affection from him. Even though you have done the most unimaginable things together in bed, don’t expect even a second glance if others are around.
* Never, ever, say anything bad about his wife. Even when he confides in you the way he feels when she criticizes him, the way their marriage has become more like a business, the way she shuns him when he approaches her for sex, you are not allowed to make any comments. Just listen.
* Be sexy all the time. Exaggerate every move you make in bed. Act like a porn star.
*Most importantly – don’t fall in love with him. You know – he has a family and no matter how hard it gets at home, he’s not leaving.
But, I did fall in love. I didn’t plan on it. It just happened. I’ve followed all the rules. And I never, ever, wanted to fall in love. Especially with a married man. But, he said it first. Said he was falling in love with me. Remembers the look in my eyes when he told me.
How could I not fall in love with the first straight man I’ve ever slept with? Sleeping with him only 4 days after we met made me feel like a slut. But I didn’t care. I had to know what sex with a man-man was like. Sex with my gay husband was great, but I wasn’t satisfied with that.
Seriously, all I wanted was sex. That’s all he wanted as well. It was part of the terms of our agreement. However, he started to like me. Started asking questions about my personal life – not just what I wanted to do in bed. Started talking about his kids, his family, his career. Showed me his sense of humor. Showed me his sensitive side. Told me I was an amazing woman. A great person. The best lover he’s ever had. Noticed things about my body that J never had. Pointed out beautiful parts of me that I didn’t know I had. Made me feel good about myself.
He loved me first. And the more time I spent with him, the more I realized I was growing to love him. Now he says he can see it in my eyes when I look at him. He knows I love him and he’s confident of that fact. Never doubts it. Wants to meet my kids. Would love for me to meet his (I refuse).
So, at the end of the day, I only get to dream about being beside him when I wake up in the morning. I only get to dream about taking care of him. I only get to wonder what it must be like to welcome him home every night. Because he’s fulfilling the commitment he made to his family. And ironically, that’s the reason I love him the most.
It’s not fair that I never get what I want.
Even though I have always been happy with our sex life and I’ve felt satisfied and fulfilled, finding out that Jay is gay has made me wonder if sex with a straight man would be any different.
As you’ve read here, Jay is very good at making love to me. It’s not at all like some of you might imagine. A gay man trying to figure out a woman’s body. Having to imagine some great piece of dick to be able to tolerate the situation. I can tell, when we are intimate, that Jay is there with me. He’s attentive and caring. He is interested in what I want and need. He enjoys being with me.
That said, I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out because I’m sleeping with a gay man. But, if I have to be honest, I will say that I wonder if sleeping with a straight man would be any different. Sex is good – very good. But can it get any better? And do I really care if it can?
I can understand Jay’s need to be with a man. A man who wants men, desires men, loves men. He needs to know that a man can love him, make love to him, fuck him, and think he is attractive. This makes sense. So why wouldn’t it make sense for me as well?
I’m getting all of those things from Jay. But does it mean as much? This is a question I am trying to answer for myself. I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time now. I married young. I never had another man tell me he wanted me or desired me. I’ve never been with another man other than Jay. How do you think this makes me feel? As a woman, it makes me feel kind of like shit.
Jay says I just never noticed other men because I was married and I wasn’t looking.
I think it’s time for me to feel justified.
I was in the shower about half and hour ago. I thought I heard knocking on the bathroom door. But it could have been Jay in the kitchen since the kitchen and our master bathroom share a wall. I ignored the sound. Then I heard it again, louder. Clearly a knock. Jay was wanting in. A pleasant thought raced through my brain: “Is he wanting in the shower to play with me?” He was chatting on-line with some guy when I left him.
“Come in.” I said hopefully.
“I have to tell you this.” he said. Apparently he wasn’t wanting to join me after all. “You know that guy I’ve been chatting with? Well he knows Internet Guy!”
“Uh-uh.” I say. “How?”
“He’s his ex.”
OMG. I can’t believe this. You all remember that fuck-tard (he was given this name by one of our readers – sorry I didn’t come up with it myself because it fits him quite well) we refer to as Internet Guy? If not, read about him here or here. What are the chances?
“Well he’s out!” I say. “You have to forget him now.” There is no way Jay can date a guy who’s dated that Internet Idiot.
“Did they sleep together?” was my next question.
“Well they dated for 11 months so I’m sure they did.”
“How do you know that?” I say. “People can date without having sex.” No, I’m not really that naive. Just hoping that all gay guys aren’t just looking for a hook-up.
“Do you really think Internet Guy would waste his time on someone who won’t have sex with him?” Jay asks me.
I realize he is right. But the more Jay chats with him the more he finds out how much the guy loathes his ex. Apparently he also thinks Internet Guy was a jerk.
My conclusion: gay men in their early 20s who live in Oklahoma and major in English are not my ideal of a good partner for Jay.
So, if you have all read my husband Jay’s blog, you know that he does not think I’m hot and sexy. So it occurred to me that perhaps I should post some enticing photos of myself on my blog to get the opinions of other people since my husband is a big ol’ gay. A girl needs to know if she is attractive at all. Frankly, how can I believe Jay when he says I’m beautiful. He thinks this is beautiful. (Well the guys are kind of cute.) But, then I realized that my readers are mostly gay men. So, you wouldn’t appreciate any pictures of me but you might like some of my husband.
We have a little joke going with our dear friend Nate about exchanging pictures of certain body parts. It’s never happened so Ace, you can keep your cool. But last night Nate sent us some pictures of his skinny legs. Legs. That’s all. Just two skinny legs in Pippy Longstockings type socks. Cute as they may be, I was a bit disappointed :). But, it made me think of taking some pictures of my unsuspecting husband in the shower. So, I sneaked into the bathroom and snapped a few. He discovered me of course and started screaming. They’re pretty cute. But of course I wouldn’t post any of his big dick or anything. Also, I have no idea how to download pictures from the camera to the computer. If I get can get Jay loosened up enough to do it, I’ll be posting some pictures of my cute little gay mate.
I really have so much to do right now but there are lots of things I have to get out that are swimming around in my head. And so many times when I sit down here to write thinking I have nothing to write about, the words come easy once I start.
I just read Jay’s latest post titled “Options.” I’ll have to admit, it was like getting slapped in the face. What can you think of the status of your marriage when your husband communicates better with you via computer than in person? It’s not something he does on purpose, he never has been extremely good at putting his thoughts and feelings into words. It is true that I’ve asked him what he wants. I’ve been sitting around here waiting for him to decide so that I can get on with my life I guess. But after reading his last post, maybe I need to make my own decisions. It’s going to hurt either way. But I’m thinking that prolonging what needs to be done is not the right thing to do.
I’ve heard from so many gay men who are married that have said they have been able to stay in their marriage and remain faithful to their wives. They make the sacrifice of having gay relationships to maintain the integrity of their family life the way it has always been. I’ve heard from many gay men who divorced from their wives, found real love with a man, and remained best friends with their ex-wives and wonderful fathers to their children and their partner becomes a family member.
So which one do I want? I want Jay to stay here, married to me, and sacrifice his physical needs for mine. But, the part of me that loves him says that is not fair. Another part of me says that if you love someone enough you can make sacrifices for them because you want them to be happy. So which one of us makes these sacrifices? Jay’s sacrifice would involve denying himself love with a man. My sacrifice would involve denying myself a physical, intimate, day to day relationship with the man I have always loved. Why should I be the one to make the sacrifice?
I still enjoy sex very much. I have a feeling that our sexual relationship will end sooner than I’d like. What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m not old enough to live in celibacy and nor do I want to. I don’t have the time to find someone else I want to have sex with.
School will be out soon. I think the children and I will go stay with family for the summer. We have family that live in the same town where I work so that would not be difficult. I just don’t know what to tell my family………….
If you’ve been reading, you know that back in October my husband of over a decade not only fell out of the closet but also informed me that he really does not believe in God but considers himself agnostic. (In a previous post I copied the definition of agnostic from Wikipedia if you’d like to read it.) You might think the agnostic bit is easier for me to handle but I’m not so sure. I am a Christian – not a good one mind you – but I have a strong faith in God and I trust him. Years ago, before we married, I knew that Jay questioned the existence of God but in our marriage we have faced a few difficult situations where all I could do was rely on God’s strength. I thought because of these situations my husband’s opinion of God had changed. We prayed together at times, we attended church, we became active members of our church, and decided to send our kids to Christian preschools. My husband was not the type to talk openly about faith or spirituality, pray in public, or confess his faith openly. But I think most people would assume he is a Christian. He is a good, generous, loving man. I know you can be a good person and not be a believer. That’s fine with me. We are of a more liberal denomination so we don’t go around trying to convert non-believers or members of other denominations or condemn people to hell.
Since Jay came out, he has attended church less and stopped going to his Sunday School class. This shouldn’t bother me but it does. I know how he feels, and he has told me that he is open to being a Christian someday, the time just is not right. He feels he has so much more to deal with right now – his new job, his relationship with his father, and his sexuality, and trying to find God is just one thing that will have to wait. I get this. I really do. But I think I liked it better when he was pretending to be a believer. He doesn’t say the prayers in church anymore. He just seems to not care (and maybe he doesn’t or maybe I just notice these things now). He has told me that he goes to church because he knows he is supposed to and to set an example for the children. It is important to me that our kids are raised as Christians. I know I am a big hypocrite and I just want them to be better people than I am.
The part of this that bugs me the most is that my husband can make some very convincing arguments for why he does not believe in God. He is an intelligent person and his reasoning makes sense to me. I’m an educated person as well, and I find myself thinking of how his views might be right. This goes against what I have been taught and the faith that I have in the Bible and my belief in God. Maybe humans just need someone or something to believe in.
If there are any religious people or pastors reading this, I could use your advice. But know this, I’m not a fundamentalist, I won’t listen to holier-than-thou crap, and I don’t like judgmental comments. Email me.