Honestly by now, I thought I had to know everything there was to know about Jay. Finding out about his homosexuality was not the only thing there is, obviously. There are some secrets he has told me that I’m not really sure I have a right to know, but he has chosen to tell me for his own reasons. Some of these things are embarrassing. I even feel guilty mentioning them here but blogging is totally anonymous so it’s not really embarrassing. If you don’t like what I’m saying, quit reading. This blog helps me get everything out, offers me comfort as I read comments and emails from others going through similar situations, and helps me keep track of everything I need to work through.
A couple of years ago, Jay went away for two weeks for a business trip. We have never been apart that long and it was very difficult. The children missed him so much, and so did I. While Jay was gone, he did some “gay stuff.” The first day he was gone, he visited a local sex shop. He paid cash for a gay porn DVD, a dildo, and some lube. He thought he had to see what this anal sex thing felt like I guess. I don’t blame him for that. Not any different to me than any other kind of masturbation. I really don’t care that he did it. He says he felt so guilty about engaging in this activity that he threw it all away the third day he was there. He thought if he didn’t end this kind of behavior now, it would never go away.
This is something so personal that I don’t blame Jay for not telling me about it. I guess he told me because it’s just nice to have someone to talk to about everything. I certainly didn’t ask him about it. He says it’s embarrassing. So why did he tell me?
Another secret: Jay has some male cousins close to his age. One time his cousin Chance was over and started looking at Playboys. Chance decided to give himself a hand job in front of Jay while looking at the magazines. Jay was aroused by seeing Chance jacking off, so he pretended to look at Playboys and jerked off as well. In reality, he was getting off watching Chance and being in the same room with him. Another time, Jay and his cousin Kyle were sharing a hotel room on a family trip. They had gone swimming and came back to their room to change. They changed separately but Kyle caught Jay trying to get a look at him while he was getting dressed. Jay blew it off as something else and he says Kyle believed it.
So my thoughts on this issue do not involve the things he did, but more that I’m afraid there is much more to know. Why do I care? I know and would bet my life on it that he is telling me the truth about not having cheated on me. I’m not worried about that. And the things I have found out more recently (Corbin Fisher downloads, the business trip dildo, attraction to cousins) aren’t really important. But will he ever reveal something to me that I feel is important? Something I think he should have told me long ago. I don’t know. Things that are insignificant to him may not be to me. But all of these happenings are really the result of Jay having to hide who he really is.
Before you go and comment to this post that I need to get over it let me stress again that none of these things are a big deal to me. It is just shocking to go from knowing every single thing about a person (or thinking I did) to wondering what else there is to know. Can you imagine this?
Is there a word for people like me? 