From the archives… 1/17/2008 I thought I might die

My previous entry was on the “coming out” of my husband.  Well, needless to say it was difficult to sleep that night.  For both of us.  But what I did not know was that he’d been having trouble sleeping for a week or more because he had come to the conclusion that he could live his lie no longer.  The initial shock of finding out my husband is gay was like being hit in the head with a brick.  The first thing I did was thank God for the children that were produced by this marriage.  Then I probably had at least a thousand questions that he was going to answer.  I’ve never cried so hard in my life.  I really thought that I had to be dreaming.  It was about 1 a.m. when every question I could think of (at the moment – there were more to come) had been asked.  My eyes were swollen, my head ached, and I was numb.  Seriously, I was numb.  People say that and you don’t really know what they mean but when it happens to you, you know.  I just could not get to sleep.  I had trouble breathing.  I had cried so much and physically my body felt so bad from sobbing my heart out, I truly thought I might die.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so terrible in my life.  You all need to understand that it wasn’t because I have a problem with homosexuality.  I had a problem finding out that my “perfect” life was not perfect at all.  Believing something for 16 years and suddenly finding out that it is not true takes some time to get used to.  I felt like my life was ripped away from me.  I guess in a way it was.  The life that I had always known and planned and believed in was ripped away from me.  I thought things could not get any worse.  But my husband’s story had just begun to unfold.

From the archives…1/15/2008 The day I found out.

The day my husband told me he was gay will of course be burned into my mind forever.  I’ve been meaning to write a bit about it.  It was a Sunday evening.  The children were asleep and I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband.  I got out of the shower and he was watching a football game.  We were talking about normal stuff.  He suddenly muted the TV and said he needed to talk to me about something.  I think I said “Oh great!”  assuming this would be something regarding his father (a jerk) because the stressful conversations in our house always revolve around him.  He put his head in his hands and just kept repeating “I don’t know how to tell you this” over and over.  I swear the first thing that went through my mind was that he was ill with cancer or something.  Then he said “I’ve been hiding something from you for a while” and I immediately thought he had cheated on me during one of his business trips.  I even asked him if he cheated on me.  He said “Not exactly.”  I will get into later what “not exactly” means.  Then he said “Anginae, I’m gay.”  Tears in his eyes, voice trembling, weak as a baby bird, I did not believe him.  I said “No you aren’t.”  I was thinking he had maybe convinced himself that he was gay.  A thousand intimate and erotic moments spent with this man came flooding into my head.  All of the times he initiated sex with me, the times he practically begged for it were vivid memories.  The things I enjoy doing to him, for him – all vivid pictures.  He knew I wouldn’t believe him.  So he admitted he’d been looking at gay porn on the internet for some time and then admitted he’d been chatting with a man on-line about “personal” things.  Then I was convinced.  I asked him “Then why did you marry me?”  His reply, “Because I love you.”  And he does.  That’s really all that matters isn’t it?  Love.  Not gender, not race, not age.  Just love.  Why should anyone care who another person falls in love with.  My husband is gay.  Feelings he has had since the age of 4 or 5 years old.  But he fell in love with a woman.  So who cares?  This is proof to me that people just fall in love with people.  There is no choice in this matter.  Love is powerful enough to bring a gay man to his knees and cause him to go against his natural instincts – who he is inside – his innermost being and identity – and marry a woman.

From the archives….01/14/2008 My life is really boring.

As a stay-at-home mom, I always knew my life was dull.  I’m busy – with the kids’ activities, church, social clubs, etc.  But my life is just dull.  I have all of these friends who think I’m ordinary.  People would never suspect that a woman like me – a respectable, educated, church-going, mother is married to a gay man.  Even I am surprised that my life is so boring after knowing for only 3 short months that a man I have known and loved for half of my life time is gay.  When I first found out, I would be driving and I’d just say it out loud:  “My husband is gay.  My husband is gay.  My husband is gay.”  It actually sounded normal.  I guess for me, it is normal.  You’d think there would be turmoil night and day in this house.  But life has actually continued in it’s normal fashion for us.  We have discussions when the children are not around.  We realize that we must figure out what to do long-term.  But I think the issue has to sink-in.  For example, when I first found out he is gay, within the first week or so of knowing I had decided that I would not allow him to ever have a gay relationship as long as we are married.  I would be guilty of adultery also, simply by allowing him to pursue an extra-marital relationship.  But, as the days and weeks progressed my feelings changed somehow.  I simply want him to be happy and fulfilled and if that involves finding a male partner while we are still married, so be it.  Now, I know that I make him happy.  I have no doubts about that.  But, sexually I can’t give him what he desires and needs.  It does not seem fair because he has always fulfilled my needs and desires without reservations for over a decade.  I want him to have that.  I want him to know what the physical love he desires actually feels like instead of just having to imagine it.  He will always be my husband – this is something he has said to me.  And it’s true.  I want no one else.  He does not want to lose me or the children.  And he never will.

Hello….it’s me.

Well, where has time gone?  I really can’t fucking say.  My life today is much different than it used to be.  I’m happy.  Very happy.

I don’t know if anyone is going to read this.  But, when I was blogging more regularly it really helped me sort things out.  There are always things to sort out in life.  I know some people are in the spot I was in 7-8 years ago.  However, there seems to be much more support for the gay community now than there was just that short time ago.

I have so much going on in my life right now.  I don’t plan to post on a regular, weekly basis.  But, I do feel that I still have people to help.

Where do I start?

I really have no idea where to begin.  I used to post so regularly.  I had lots of readers at one time.  I made some real friends here.  I can name five people off the top of my head whom I keep in contact with who actually know my real identity.  They have been very helpful.  And what I hope most, is that making friends with them will be an inspiration to those of you who are reading because you feel like I once felt….nearly five years ago – like you’re alone and you want to die.

So much has changed and if I tried to catch you all up at once, this would be the novel I’m trying to write.  So, I’ll just start small.  I haven’t gone back and read all of my previous posts, just the last few.  I will have to update “The Players” over on the right hand side of this blog.

I want to say to those of you who have found this blog recently, and who’ve read every post and commented or sent me a message because you recently found out your husband is gay – there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I promise.  I swear to you, it will get better.  It will be, quite possibly, the hardest fucking thing you’ve ever done.  But, it will get better.  Do not let anyone influence the decisions you and your husband will make regarding your family and marriage.  That will be very hard.  But I think it’s very important.

Don’t read this blog if you’re here to judge me.  I don’t need that.  I’m hard on myself already, and hell, this is MY blog.  What I write is 100% true.  You can’t make this shit up.  I’ve always written from the heart and I’ve always been honest.  I’m opinionated, liberal, and open minded.  But I do have feelings.  And, I haven’t completely healed.

Come back soon.  I will…….

Stats

I haven’t posted in a long time, and I rarely check in here.  But lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind so I’ve been lurking on WordPress and visiting some of my old blogroll.  I check my stats and my views have been up lately.  I have no idea why…..is it National Coming out to Your Wife Month or something?  Anyway, I’m working on a couple of posts.  But I’d like those of you who are reading to tell me why you’ve been visiting lately.  Thanks.

Where do I begin?

I’ve thought about it for a while.  A year at least.  I want to write a book.  Our story is one that needs to be told.  I don’t care about money.  I care about helping people who have been through this same thing.

I’ve gotten so much help from Pam who has been through the same thing as well.  She is working on a book as well.

So, where do I begin?  Lots of the posts on here will make up this book.  There is so much more to be told as well.  I think I just needed to wait until Jay was ready to be more public with his life.  And now I’m ready too.

I’m no writer.  Any advice?

Heeeeellllllooooo!!!

Hi. Bet you guys thought I’d never be back.

You were wrong.

Anginae lives. I’m writing a book. More to come.

Ex-Files

I bet not many divorcing couples stand in the kitchen of the home they share and hug each other on the day that they finally file their divorce with the county court clerk. But that’s what Jay and I did. Two days ago I filed my divorce petition. In 90 days, this nearly 15 year marriage will be over.

My soon-to-be ex-husband and I are on very good terms which you know if you have read any portion of this blog. I’ve done a lot of thinking and soul-searching over this past year more than ever. I’m ending this marriage, not Jay. I don’t think he would ever file for divorce if I did not do it myself. But, I have come to the conclusion that divorcing him is the best thing for me and for Jay, and for the kids in the long run.

While 2009 was not the best year of my life (I did some things I am NOT proud of) the events that shaped the year helped me realize that I need out of this marriage. And for the people and choices I made that brought me to that conclusion I am grateful. But I’m ready to move on. Starting a new life seems very promising and I’m excited about that. Happy New Year everyone.

The Birdcage

I have chosen to make light of my situation.  I mean, media treats situations like mine as comedy.  Examples:  The Birdcage, Will and Grace, Modern Family.  There are more.  You laugh when you watch these.  I laugh when I watch these.  So why cry at my own life?

I’m not crying anymore.  I’m done.  It’s life.  It’s fun.  It’s real.  No one is dressed like June Cleaver and standing in the kitchen all day trying not to make the sponge cake fall while talking to the ladies on the phone too loudly about the fall bazzar.

Recently I’ve outed Jay to several of my friends and family. Their reaction always contains something like, “I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this.” Well yeah – it’s been hard at times. But in reality I have a good life. I married a man when I was still a child (19) who made the ultimate sacrifice – his own happiness- to provide for me and care for me. To give me children when he would have been OK without having children. To build what appeared to be a perfect life with me. For all of this I am truly grateful.

My life is good. My kids have a good father. I have a great relationship with Jay and don’t see that ever changing. I have a man who loves me and desires me who wants to be a part of my “modern family” and a step-father to my children. He wants to keep Jay in our lives and he’s very accepting of the situation. I love his children and look forward to getting to be a part of their lives.

So although I’m anxious about the future (I don’t like the unknown) I am confident that this new family that’s forming will be a happy one.